Put fingers on the keys.... Ok. Now go.

Hello Blog. How I have missed you. Writting used to be my outlet. I'm getting back to it and it feels good. Today isn't going to have any real theme. Just catch up to where my life is. I'm sure I will start marinating on lots of new topics. Ok. Gonna do a list, because if you read me or know me at all, you know I love lists!

• I got a new puppy. She is a pit bull and boxer mix and I adopted her from a local shelter almost a month ago. She is 5 months now and an awesome addition to my family at home.
• I'm still in my litttle red house in Ohio. I still love it, money pit and all. Being a home owner has forced me to grow up and be responsible. (Even when I don't want to.)
• I was in a horrible car accident in September and by some miracle I walked away realatively in one piece. I should have died. Kinda a smack in the face on the "Where my life is today" evaluation. Went through a really hard phase of deppresion and non-acceptance after the accident. I'm doing and feeling better now. Looking up, not down.
• One of my best friends Samantha had a baby girl. It's funny how her accident made me feel like I'm behind. I want to be with someone and have children so badly, but it's also hard for me to envision those pieces in my life right now.
• Beau moved in. Great guy. Understands me. Helps around the house, takes care of the dog. Takes care of me. Cares about me (more than he admits) but I'm accepting of it for right now. I want more though.
• I bought a shiny new car that I really shouldn't have. It's expensive. But I love it. lol
• Anyone reading who has any questions about things I didn't mention, comment! I'm hoping to get my followers back soon. I miss them!

Tiny Little BOMB...

Sometimes I wonder if I do it to myself. These relationships I allow myself to enter into. The high school teacher. The pizza delivery guy. The guy that made decorative yard art for a living. The 26 yr old mall cop that lived with his mother. Really? Wtf. I have this oh high and mighty list of what I'm looking for in a man.

• Has a job with some sort of career goal in mind.
• Has a roof over his head. That he pays for in the form of rent or mortgage. Preferably not with his parents.
• Is attractive.
• Wants to get married at some point in the future.
• Knows what he believes in.
• Accepts me for who I am.
• Wants children.
• Likes dogs.
• Is funny.
• Has a decent car.

Now, I don't think these are really high standards. If anything I feel as though they are at a level that a normal guy can attain them. However, I keep allowing myself to enter into these pseudo relationships with that jack offs that can't even meet the basic criteria. I always think "I should give them a chance. You never know. They just might be the one." FALSE. If they aren't a normal average guy then they don't make the cut. I lead them on and allow myself to settle into some false sense of security. I don't have to keep trying so hard. I don't have to keep looking. I'm allowed to relax. I want that so bad that I guess I'm willing to allow any asshole to jump into the position temporarily just so I can have a god damn break. Pathetic. Yes I admit, it's clearly not working out for me. Then I proceed to plant some tiny little bomb. Something that seems insignificant at the moment. I may even be up front about it. Then I slowly add gun powder to it. Then I wait. Till the asshole of the moment irritates me enough that I light the match. Or sometimes I'm so wrong for them that they light the match themselves because I make them miserable. Seriously, I allow myself to have relationships that make me and whoever else is in it to be fucking miserable. Dear god. I need therapy. The even fucking sicker part of the whole fucking process is that I understand what I'm doing. Whether it's a blatant plan to implode or a more subconscious move, regardless, it still happens. Then I have to go through some half ass semi depressive period about how I feel about my life and where I'm at in it. I let myself get all down about why it didn't work out, why he doesn't love me, why can't I love him back, why can't I be what he wants, why isn't he what I want. Duh. He isn't the right guy. I keep doing it. Over and over again. I'm like the slow kid trying to put the wrong puzzle piece in the same hole over and over again. I'm just afraid that someday I'm going to get worn out on the game, dump some Elmer's on it and call it done. Ya know? Fuck.

I'm out of breath...

I have come to the conclusion that I'm running. I have been running for the last four years. I have ran in several different directions. I have even run in place trying to decide which way to run next. All this time I never stood still long enough to turn around and realize what the hell I'm running from. I stopped. I turned. I looked. You know what? Nothing was there. Just me. I have been running from who I am. What I thought I wanted to be. What I thought I should be. I'm done. I'm going to sit down for a while. I'm sick of running. No more plans. No more dreams. No more impulse life choices. I'm just going to sit for a while. My best friend Bill is in the process of moving into my house right now. I need someone to be around for a while. I'm sick of be alone with self absorbed thoughts. I'm quitting my job at the nursing home to go work at the new Texas Road House in town. I need to be back in a kitchen. That office is sucking the life out of me. I'm ready for these two big changes. But that's it. After this transitional phase is complete I'm just hanging back. What comes my way is what will be. Maybe I never truly found what I was looking for because I was always running and it never got a chance to catch up. Just some thoughts. Chime in readers! I miss all of your input!

Not so Poinant.

The last real and honest thing I posted on here was July 9th. Damn. Then I thought about it, and I think that was that last time I maybe let myself feel. I have been slowly evaluating some events in my recent past and have come to terms with several of them. I have took note of my good friends, some have been "let go" from the upper positions. (And here is the kicker, they didn't actually do anything wrong per say, I just decided they weren't good enough anymore.) I tied up a few loose ends in my past. I am putting effort into a relationship that two years ago I would have walked away months ago and never looked back. I want differnt things now. I understand more that this is also my responsibilty to work on. I have new people in my life that I want to be happy and succesfull. My best friend is a 34 year old man. I know it seems strange. But I just want him to be happy and he is always there to support me and help in any way he can. And I the same for him. I enjoy our friendship. I am currently talking to and hanging out with a very simple farm boy. I am having fun. I really do like him. It is a whole different pace of life. It may just be for me. We shall see. Anyway, I don't really have anything extreemly deep or poinant to say. I just thought I would update my 4 readers on where I have been the last few months. Any comments or questions are appreciated!

Ridin In The Middle of a Pickup Truck

(This is for all you sophisticated ladies out there)
She grew up in the city in a little subdivision,
Her daddy wore a tie, Momma never fried a chicken,
Ballet, Straight A’s, Most likely to succeed

They bought her a car after graduation
Sent her down south for some higher education
Put her on the fast track to a law degree

Now she’s comin home to visit holdin the hand
Of a wild-eyed boy with a farmer’s tan

And shes ridin in the middle of his pickup truck
Blarin Charlie Daniels yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys (You know its true)

Yeah, you know momma’s and daddy’s want better for their daughters
Hope they’ll settle down with a doctor or a lawyer
In their uptown, ball gown, hand-me-down royalty
They never understand why their princess falls
For some camouflage britches and a southern boy drawl

Or why she’s ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Hank Jr. yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys(oooh, get country with it)

You can train ‘em
You can try to teach ‘em right from wrong
But it’s still gonna turn ‘em on

When they go ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Lynyrd Skynyrd yellin, “Turn it up!”
You can raise her up a lady but there’s one thing you jus can’t avoid
Ladies love country boys
They love us country boys
Ooooooh yeah
It's that country thing you know

-Trace Adkins

Note: A real, honest, spill the beans, sort of blog is in the works. Half finished haning out in Microsoft Word. For my four readers, more to come soon!

Tell me don't I, or tell me do I baby...

Everyone has that feeling sometimes where they look around and can't quiet put their finger on what is missing. Whether you forgot your purse, your keys, your kids, your sanity, or just plain can't remember what you forgot. I think that sometimes that feeling is telling us more that we forgot our keys. I think it's a subconscious reminder that somewhere along the line we have phased out something that we should have left in our lives.
I am a country girl. I was raised in rural Ohio in a 4 bedroom house that was nestled 1/2 mile off the road in a quaint woods. C.o.u.n.t.r.y. That's me. I'm a little hood, a little rock, a little traditional, a little edgy. The down home roots are something that at a very young age I was running from. Tattoo, metal bands, piercings, college in Cleveland. I was ready for a whole new scene. Sometimes I think was too naive and jaded to see what was in front of me. I grew up having bon fires, drinking beer in corn fields, going muddin, high school football games, homecomings, senior pictures, country music, hay bailing, and coon dogs. Where tattoos of Browning Deer Heads and John Deere Tractors is normal. A whole new world huh? I was a "county kid". For those of you who don't know what this fond term means I will explain. I lived 20 min from the county seat, Findlay. One high school in Findlay, graduating classes ranging from 500 to 600. There are roughly 14 small towns and villages outside of this bustling city. The secondary school system in place are the much smaller county school. Each small town had one and the graduating classes ranged from 15 to 70. I went to a county school. Therefore I am a "county kid". Better than a "Findlay kid." (there was a huge rivalry between the two groups.) My graduating class had 63 people in it. My school housed pre-school through 12th grade. Yep. I'm a small town girl. I left right after high school.
I attended what I though to be the best party school I could find that was the farthest away. Kent State University. For all of one semester. Ha. Then I came home with my tail between my legs and attended the University of Findlay (private college, with a private college price tag, $28,000 a year. HA.) for a year and a half. Then I dropped out after getting accepted to the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago. Fucking sweet right? Wrong. No bank would give the $50,000 in student loans I needed to attend for the two year program. Bastards. So I was stuck in Ohio without a college. I went a year and just worked, then this past January I went back to a small tech college that my Pre-Law classes transferred to. I was planning on finishing up an associates in Paralegal. Sooo that didn't pan out. (I don't care to talk about it.) And here I sit again.
I just broke up with Mr. Teacher my boyfriend. You know what? I was miserable. He wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for him, but we tried to make it work because we "care" about each other. He was a high school English teacher who didn't know how to ride a bike. He didn't like camping. Or camp fires for that matter. (Um hello? How the fuck else are you going to make smores?) Not my type of guy at all. But I liked him. A lot. I am a rather devoted person. If I decide I like you, then you are most likely going to be stuck with me :) I am upset, don't get me wrong. But the more I think about the kind of person I want in my life to be a husband and father, he wasn't it. He will be great at both of those things someday, just not with me. I need a country boy. A man who can work hard all day and come home and be a good husband and father. My dad essentially. I deserve someone who isn't going to judge me by how low cut my tops are or how much beer I drink. I need a man that can keep up. That can get down on some Kenny Chesney and have a beer around the fire. That can take our kids camping and have a farmers tan. That knows the true meaning of working hard. That knows how to love a woman. Have you ever listened to country music? Women, beer, trucks, dogs, and death. That's it. The most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken by a man came through my radio on the local country station.

"If you wonder how long Ill be faithfull. Ill be happy to tell you again. Im gonna love you forever & ever, forever & ever amen" - Randy Travis

"Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby? Does the site of me wanting you drive you crazy? Do I have your love, am I’m still enough? Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby." - Luke Bryan

"Where do you go when you're lonely. I'll follow you. When the stars go blue." - Tim McGraw

"So now I'm slowing it down and I'm looking around. And I'm lovin this town and I'm doing alright. Aint' worried 'bout nothing cept for the man I wanna be. I'm thinking maybe it's time to be livin' the rhyme. When I'm singing a song about nothing but right. And it's sure be nice if you would roll with me." - Mongomery Gentry

"If you're callin' 'bout my heart, It's still yours. I should've listened to it a little more. Then it wouldn't have taken me so long to know where I belong. And by the way, boy, this is no machine you're talkin' to. Can't you tell, this is Austin, and I still love you." - Blake Shelton

"For better or worse, till death do us part. I'll love you with every beat of my heart. I swear."
- John Michael Montgomery

"It's your love. It just does somethin' to me. It sends a shock right through me. I can't get enough. And if you wonder, About the spell I'm under. It's your love." - Tim McGraw

"It was no accident me finding you. Someone had a hand in it. Long before we ever knew."
- Tracy Byrd

I could go on forever. It's amazing. Maybe it is just something about the country air that makes these men know how to love. Maybe it all a crock of shit just like everything else. But God dammit, I'm getting me a cowboy and finding out! I want that kind of love. I want that kind of life. Maybe all I needed was to remember where I came from and that's how I became the person that I am. Who knew? Maybe what I needed all along was my jeans, a beer, and a country boy.

Just the way that I am....

Just The Way That I Am
-Martina McBride

Don't need no copy of vogue magazine
Don't need to dress like no Beauty Queen
High heels or sneakers, he don't give a damn
My baby loves me just the way that I am
My baby loves me just the way that I am

He never tells me I'm not good enough
Just give me unconditional love
He loves me tender and he loves me mad
He loves me silly and he loves me sad
He thinks I'm pretty, he thinks I'm smart
He likes my nerve and he loves my heart
He's always sayin' he's my biggest fan
My baby loves me just the way that I am
baby loves me just the way that I am

And when there's dark clouds in my eyes
He just sits back and lets 'em roll on by
I come in like a lion go out like a lamb
My baby loves me just the way I am
My baby loves me just the way I am

He thinks I'm pretty, he thinks I'm smart
He likes my nerve and he loves my heart
He's always sayin' he's my biggest fan
My baby loves me just the way that I am
My baby loves me just the way that I am

He thinks I'm pretty, he thinks I'm smart
He likes my nerve and he loves my heart
Don't see no reason to change my plan
My baby loves me just the way I am
My baby loves me just the way I am

Hurt. Scared. Sad. Angry.

Well Jeremy and I are "spending some time apart." He told me that he has to decide if he cares about in a way that he wants to have a relationship with me. Wow. Fuck. That hurts. Here is the thing. I know that Jeremy and I don't always fit. We don't always have the same opinions and views on life. But that is what makes it interesting. If he agreed with me all the time what fun would he be to talk to? None. So how am I supposed to feel? I have no idea. I am hurt by a few of the things he has said to me. I'm scared I'm going to loose him. I'm sad that he feels this way. I'm angry that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. It's miserable. I hate dating. It's awful. I wish I didn't want a family so badly, because I would give up right here, right now. When Jeremy and I first started hanging out he had to literally sit me down and tell me that he isn't like every other asshole that I have dated. That he isn't going to hurt me like they did. That I can trust him. Guess what? I fell for it. I trusted him. A lot. And three months later he is hurting me. But I think it hurts more because he is the good guy. If the good guys can't even handle me then where the hell am I going to end up? Living in my little red house alone with a cat. That's were. Fuck. I hate this.

• On a lighter note. I'M GOING TO LAS VEGAS! July 31st. I'm going with 3 girlfriends for a Bachlorette party. I'm hella excited. I have a few new dresses and bathing suits purchased for the occasion. Eeee! It's going to be just what I need :)

My Life. The End.

Ok. It has been a shit storm around here lately. I'm going to list...

1. I got "dismissed" from Rhodes State College. That's just a nice way of saying "Get the fuck out."

2. I bought a "new" (to me anyway...) car. 2001 Subaru Forester. LOVE IT! I paid $2,000

3. My "new" car has a cracked head gasket and will need $2,200 worth of work on it.

4. A drunk driver hit my dad's pick up truck last night when it was parked in front of my house. The dumb bitch tried to take off on foot and took off after her. Do NOT fuck with me. Or my dad. Moron. I win.

5. Jeremy. I wish I had an answer. Or a question even. It sucks. We haven't broken up yet, but I would venture to guess it won't take more than a few more days. He thinks I'm always a mess. I'm always upset, or angry, or something is wrong, or something needs to change, or whatever. Welcome to life. Shit happens. And just when you get it together, something else happens. We are meeting up tonight for a "face to face". It's over. I have accepted that. It still sucks. I care about him and want to be there for him. He said that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life "picking up the pieces." Well I never asked you to. I have been doing it all on my own so far. I don't know what else to say to him. I don't want to loose him, but I think I already have.

6. Michael Jackson died. Sucks.

7. My sister fucked up her leg in Volleyball conditioning. Poor kid.

8. I'm broke. Story of my life.

9. Work is stressful. Sucks.

Hard To Love You

Hard To Love You
-The Wreckers

Why do they make it hard to love you?
Why can't they even start to try?
'Cause now I feel a bridge is burning
And all the smoke is in my eyes

I realize I never let them know me
I always wanted to be right
Took a mistake to really show me
Exactly what they were like

I've been wrong but I've been changing
I've been wondering what to do
Here I am alone and waiting
For you

Why do I try and make them happy?
Why am I always playing nice?
It isn't easy trying to tell you
Exactly what's on my mind