Hurt. Scared. Sad. Angry.

Well Jeremy and I are "spending some time apart." He told me that he has to decide if he cares about in a way that he wants to have a relationship with me. Wow. Fuck. That hurts. Here is the thing. I know that Jeremy and I don't always fit. We don't always have the same opinions and views on life. But that is what makes it interesting. If he agreed with me all the time what fun would he be to talk to? None. So how am I supposed to feel? I have no idea. I am hurt by a few of the things he has said to me. I'm scared I'm going to loose him. I'm sad that he feels this way. I'm angry that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. It's miserable. I hate dating. It's awful. I wish I didn't want a family so badly, because I would give up right here, right now. When Jeremy and I first started hanging out he had to literally sit me down and tell me that he isn't like every other asshole that I have dated. That he isn't going to hurt me like they did. That I can trust him. Guess what? I fell for it. I trusted him. A lot. And three months later he is hurting me. But I think it hurts more because he is the good guy. If the good guys can't even handle me then where the hell am I going to end up? Living in my little red house alone with a cat. That's were. Fuck. I hate this.

• On a lighter note. I'M GOING TO LAS VEGAS! July 31st. I'm going with 3 girlfriends for a Bachlorette party. I'm hella excited. I have a few new dresses and bathing suits purchased for the occasion. Eeee! It's going to be just what I need :)

My Life. The End.

Ok. It has been a shit storm around here lately. I'm going to list...

1. I got "dismissed" from Rhodes State College. That's just a nice way of saying "Get the fuck out."

2. I bought a "new" (to me anyway...) car. 2001 Subaru Forester. LOVE IT! I paid $2,000

3. My "new" car has a cracked head gasket and will need $2,200 worth of work on it.

4. A drunk driver hit my dad's pick up truck last night when it was parked in front of my house. The dumb bitch tried to take off on foot and took off after her. Do NOT fuck with me. Or my dad. Moron. I win.

5. Jeremy. I wish I had an answer. Or a question even. It sucks. We haven't broken up yet, but I would venture to guess it won't take more than a few more days. He thinks I'm always a mess. I'm always upset, or angry, or something is wrong, or something needs to change, or whatever. Welcome to life. Shit happens. And just when you get it together, something else happens. We are meeting up tonight for a "face to face". It's over. I have accepted that. It still sucks. I care about him and want to be there for him. He said that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life "picking up the pieces." Well I never asked you to. I have been doing it all on my own so far. I don't know what else to say to him. I don't want to loose him, but I think I already have.

6. Michael Jackson died. Sucks.

7. My sister fucked up her leg in Volleyball conditioning. Poor kid.

8. I'm broke. Story of my life.

9. Work is stressful. Sucks.

Hard To Love You

Hard To Love You
-The Wreckers

Why do they make it hard to love you?
Why can't they even start to try?
'Cause now I feel a bridge is burning
And all the smoke is in my eyes

I realize I never let them know me
I always wanted to be right
Took a mistake to really show me
Exactly what they were like

I've been wrong but I've been changing
I've been wondering what to do
Here I am alone and waiting
For you

Why do I try and make them happy?
Why am I always playing nice?
It isn't easy trying to tell you
Exactly what's on my mind

Get a loan honey...

I absolutely hate the education system. THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE PART OF IT THAT IS SET UP TO HELP THIS HARDWORKING WHITE GIRL WHO HAPPENS TO NOT BE MARRIED OR HAVE ANY BABIES WITH OUT DADDIES. Excuse the FUCK out of me for living. Jesus fucking Christ. I seriously would love to hear all about the god damn education reform that is about to happen in the college realm. I can't get any grants because my parents make too much money. Even though I'm 21 and own my own home, paid for my car, pay all my bills, pay taxes, but none of that matters because I'm not 24. Now if I had been more irresponsible and gotten knocked up without a husband, that's a whole different story!!!!!! Here you go! College money abound! Have fun! Good Luck! Oh wait, you don't have any illegitimate screamers? Sorry about your luck. Get a loan honey :) Oh wait, you want to be an EMT? Well again there is nothing we can do to help you. You will just have to pay out of pocket per semester. That isn't an approved government loan program. What? That's expensive? Well, we have payment plans available :) FUCK OFF. I quit. I'm not even going to think about trying this higher education bullshit until something changes, because quiet frankly I'm sick and fucking tired of being the hardworking member of society that is getting fucked over. So I'm done.