Call me Scrooge!

Jesh! It's been too long! Well, the holidays were crazy. Nice quiet Christmas. The restaurant was nuts. The nursing home has been packed with home made cookies and carolers. (Gag me.) Quiet a few birthdays celebrated, and a dinner party in there. It's New Years Eve and I'm excited. I have been wishing for Jan. 3rd for a month! It means life goes back to normal . No more gift buying, wrapping, parties, fattening food, nutso relatives, Christmas music, stupid movies on TV. Damn, I guess you can call me Scrooge! Well, need to shower and get ready for work, run 2 errands, go to work, come home and change, and out to party the night away! Be safe everyone!

Quintessential Fact

Well to all of you that were hanging on the edge of your cursor, tattoo boy Cody is gay and wanted a new bar buddy. As to how I could possibly miss such a quintessential fact is beyond me. I blame my lack of mental focus these days, but that still a huge slip up on my part as well. Sad day. Today is one of my best friends birthdays, he is in South Carolina acting as a slave to the US Government and working on big giant loud scary fighter jets all day. Sounds like not a half bad birthday, not sure why he is bitching so much. We are having a huge *Holiday Dinner* at my house on Sunday afternoon. Like seriously 20 people. It's about to get intense. I honestly should be baking cookies for my family get-together tomorrow night, yet here I am blogging my little heart out. I have to go pick up Lisa from work in like 10 min anyway. So I can't stop thinking about Mike. I wish I didn't like him so much. At this point I don't care if he is "trying it again" with he estranged wife, I'm not giving up. It's the holidays, and no one likes to be alone. I give it a month. I wish you could hear the way he talks to me, still, even after the wife bullshit. I really just want to spend some time with him. I have never felt this way. I don't even need anything more, I just want to be around him. It's sick. I hate it. Fucking men. Ok. Need to grab a cup of coffee and then on my way out the door and back to the grind. Oy. Later gators.

Yeah, Not So Much.

Note: In the interest of time and my sanity the following post is going to be organized a la bullet point. Sorry for the lack of formal literary concepts.

• It's Monday. My only day off in two weeks and I have worked 6 hours at one job and 7 hours at another today. LOVELY.
• My birthday was yesterday. Whoo. Yeah, not so much.
• Saturday night my mother ruined my birthday dinner at the nicest restaurant in town because she is a crazy bitch. First she keeps insisting that I switch seats with her because a waiter almost bumped into my chair. Like, she won't fucking let it go. So when I finally convince her to let it go, our food comes. My sister is allergic to all kinds of things (See previous post Sister, Sister) her Veal Scaloipini comes served over pasta. She is allergic to wheat and gluten. So I offer to trade her my Salmon so she can eat a full meal. My mother throws a fucking fit that I wanted salmon and I should get to eat what I ordered on my birthday. Mean while my sister and I are completely fine with our switching arrangement. Mom went off. Crazy bitch. We switched anyway and she grumbled for the next 15 min. Nut job.
• Had to work in Lima today to train in our new store. There is this guy, Cody, that I met the last time I was there. Today he asks for my phone number and asks if he can take me out Saturday night. (I'm busy. Bummed.) So he proceeds to tell me that the last time I worked there he wanted to ask me for my number but I left too quick and he thought about calling the Findlay store for it, but thought that was too obvious. (The last time I worked there was 3 weeks ago. That's saying something.) He is cute. Kinda quiet and shy. Has 7 tattoos, plugs, into Metal and Hard Rock. Used to work in a nursing home as an STNA (aka: has to be patient and well mannered.) and he is the baker in the Lima store, exactly what I do at the parent store in Findlay. This could be interesting. Now lets see if he calls......
• It's hotter than hell in the nursing home today. Jesus tits. It's like 105 I swear. Annnnd I have a sweater on. Gay.
• I've had like 4 mini crisis at work today. Everyone seems to think their problem is top priority. Like I don't have 3 others.
• One of my best friends is freaking out and having a rough few days. No good!
• Ever had a dream and wake up and you can't remember anything but one specific detail? All day long you almost have it but you can't come up with anything other than that one insignificant without the rest, detail? Helicopter. It's all I got. Wtf. Looked it up in a dream dictionary, says : To see a helicopter in your dream, represents your ambition and achievements. You are in full pursuit of your goals. To dream that you are in a helicopter, indicates that you are living beyond your means. You need to slow down and don't try to please everyone. Alternatively, you may be experiencing a higher level of consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Interesting.
• My sister is not handling the holidays well. The stress is getting to her and she is becoming increasingly more like our mother. Fucking scary.

Well that is all for today fellow Bloggers. Merry December 8th to all, and to all a good night!

Dr. Man is No More

Well this is just crap-tastic. I'm done. Fun is over. It's staying the way it is. And here is the kicker, it's not even because of my age, it's because of his estranged wife. Go figure! Well I guess it was fun while it lasted. And we talked for 35 min after we "talked" and it was all normal, so I guess as long as I don't loose him as a friend I'm okay with it. I really do like him. I don't like very many people so I guess as long as he sticks around it's all good. *Sigh* Game over.

Angst

I've had a rough couple of days. I feel very blah. Not much to say. Sucks. I have 2 hours left at the office and nothing to do. Gay. Ok. I guess that's it. If anyone has any angst inspiring topics for me shoot em my way. Thanks.

Gobble Gobble Mother Fucker!

Well I spent Thanksgiving in the kitchen. Drank my weight in German Riesling and tried to tune out 17 of my nearest and dearest relatives. Went to the beach for a day (it was 48 degrees and raining.) Braved Black Friday Shopping. Spent 12 hours driving home in the pouring rain. Did my best not to kill my sister. Crashed and burned. I got up today and wrapped Christmas presents and started to put shit away. Did 3 loads of laundry. Still have a sink full of dirty dishes. I have to work 65 hours between Tuesday and Saturday. Sunday is my birthday. I haven't seen Mike, (Dr. Man) since last Sunday when he stopped by my house. Wtf! I seriously hope he comes into work tomorrow night. I'm going nuts! It's funny how excited I get at the prospect of seeing him. I have built so many walls up to keep people out. He seems to just walk right past them. I don't get it. I have a feeling I'm going to have to be a little more aggressive. He has been "thinking" for over a week now. Hmmm. This could be fun... Any ideas?

Update...

This is me staling on packing. I hate getting ready for trips. I feel like I spend 3 days of crazy stressed out running around so I can score 5 days of relaxation. That hardly seems fair! So in other news, Dr. Man stopped by last night. Like, stopped by my house. Yes. I know. I damn near had a heart attack at the door. He looked around my house and we talked for 30 min or so. My friend Kim was here and she was having some man trouble. I wonder what would have happened if I would have been home alone... hmmm... Then he promised to come in tonight at work to see me before I left. No such luck. WTF! So right now I'm sitting in my painting studio/office with an angled view of my front door, just hoping that he got stuck at the hospital but he is stopping by the house again. Sigh. We still haven't exchanged numbers. Again, wtf is that about? But I'm pretty positive that by the end of the week I'm going to be going through Mike withdrawal. It's almost irritating. I want this to work out. I like him. It's more than sexual now, I have things in common with him, I think he is funny, and witty, and adorable, and sweet. I want to get to know him. There is a definite crush going on here. Sigh again. I miss my Dr. Man.....

Just a Few Things...

Oh I feel like writing, so I'm gonna ramble a little bit. Well, let's see, I'm going to North Carolina for Thanksgiving. I'm excited to see my family and Nick is coming up for a few days. Should be a good time. 18 people! I can't remember in all of my history more than 6 people being at our Thanksgiving table. Should be fun. Eh em. I have to help cook, just because my culinary skills are extremely developed and I make home made dressing that would kick your grandmother's ass, is no reason for my family to sell my soul to the kitchen gods. I will be cooking all day. Drunk on good wine at that. Soooo update on sexy Dr. Man. He's "thinking about it" with me. At least that's what he told me tonight. After complimenting me and asking how my day was, and saying he likes my hair curly and overall aggressively flirting with me. I had movie passes for the new James Bond movie on my desk (free thingies you get online and print your tickets off...) He picks them up and says "Oh, James Bond fan huh?" I say "Yep, wanna go with me?" He says "You don't wanna go with me." I say "And why not?" he says "I'm not all the way divorced." I say "Um so?" he says "I'm damaged goods." I say "Aren't we all?" He smiles and says "Let me think about it." I say "That look tells me you were thinking about it before." He says "Well your hard not to think about." and winks. OH DEAR GOD! All I have to say is he better say yes. I will fucking flip out. First of all, it's a damn good thing he told me how gorgeous I looked, I put a lot of work into this outfit! Second of all, seriously? It's just a little fun! I'm not so sure what the big fucking deal is. He won't be able to take it much longer. It's already driving him crazy. I can tell. *SIGH* This is fun. I love that fact that it's fun. He is soooooo sexy. I can't help it. He is fun to flirt with. I can only imagine the fun we would have out on an actual date! I'm still all ears for advice on my pursuit of the elusive Dr. Man...

Ohhh Dr. Man...

Well, I'm in. Oh my Dr. Man, he wants it, he is just trying to decide if the age bothers him. You can see it in his face. He told me that I have beautiful blue eyes (said to me, not the charge nurse Whoo!) told me that I'm beautiful, that we should "make plans". Ooooo! I sold him raffle tickets to our Cancer Patient Services Charity Drive. He says "I'm a pushover." I say "No, I'm just good." He says "I'm sure you are." I say "So if you win the $100 your taking me out to dinner right?" He says "How about I take you out to dinner whether I win or not." I say "Deal." He winks. God. Sooooooooo sexy. If I didn't know better I would say I'm in love. But I'm not. I'm in lust. Now, I have been making it extremely obvious my less that appropriate intentions for the last week. He has "allowed" my comments and played along quiet well. Asks me to dinner, and tells me we will "discuss it next time." But has yet to ask for my phone number. Strange. But we did figure out that he lives just down the street from my new house. He says "Maybe I will stop by." I say "Anytime." OMG. I sooo got this! Correction: I sooo want this! I don't wanna be the whole book, just a few chapters. I feel like I'm perfectly alright dating him (and doing him) for a while, and when it's done, it's done. You can tell he is the kind of guy that wines you and dines you, which I am quiet ok with..... Advice still! Thanks!

Repeatedly.

Ok. I'm in trouble. Lust has me in it's tangled web of lies. There is the doctor that works for the nursing home that I work at. Speech Pathologist and Professor. He is stunning. Funny. Witty. Brilliant. I want him. Now. There is a good amount of shameless flirting between us. He has been married 3 times. He has admitted to me that the first failure was 100% his fault, the second was a re-bound from the first marriage (that he decided to marry? wtf) and that was 85% his fault, and the current mess is all her fault. Defiantly damaged goods. However, I want to have hot sweaty sex with him. Repeatedly. The charge nurse tonight told me that Saturday when she was here he asked where I was. She told him I have weekends off. Then he says "What's her story anyway? She has the most beautiful blue eyes." OMG. Please God. I want him. Can I put him on my Christmas list? I don't usually get like this, but there is something about him. Oh, and did I mention he is 46? I'm 21. Hmmmm. 46? Seriously? Does that make me a slut? He could be my sugar daddy. Honestly, if the opportunity presented itself I doubt I would have very much (if any) self control. Any advice?

Thanks for the memories...

Life is a collection of the good and the bad. I wish I could keep it all. I feel like there are so many lost moments in my life. Exact emotions and feelings that I can never replicate. I want to remember every ounce of love I feel, every moment I feel alive, every fight I have with the people I love, every random act of kindness from the people that truly care about me, the tiny insignificant moments that touch you for just a second, friends and families reactions to life's highlights, every funny quip I ever spouted off, every time my friends make me laugh until my stomach hurts, those favorite songs that take you right back to a place from your past, the look in someones eyes when you know they truly love you, that feeling in the dark corner of your heart when you know something isn't right, that moment you know something good has to end, the faint whiff of a perfume you wore on a first date. I want to remember the first time Case told me he loved me. I want to remember the first time I held my baby sister. I want to remember the first time I realized I trust Nick with my life. I want to remember the first time I realized Samantha was/is my best friend. I want to remember the first time I was really depressed. I want to remember the look on my dad's face when I got the keys to my first house. I want to remember the first time I drove my own car. I want to remember how it feels to get your heart broken. How do you keep it all? These moments and memories are mine. Sometimes they are all you have left of a person or place. I think I'm trying so hard to push the crazies out of my mind, that I don't have enough energy left to accurately preserve all the times that mean the most to me. I try so hard to keep my shit together, that what I end up feeling is even more loss. I wish I could watch the video of my life, fast-forward through the bad times, and watch those amazing moments over and over again. What is the happiest moment in your life to date? Do you remember every single tiny little fact about that moment? Will you still in 10 years? What about when your all but at the end of your life? Shouldn't it be a right to keep the good times? Maybe wishing for all the memories is the best you can do.

If You Want Me To...

But if you want me to I’ll be the one for you
Maybe I can save your life
At times you’ve hated me, ain’t that how love should be
So just let me save your life

Don’t you know me
I’m helpless without you
I watched you sleep so I could dream of you

If you want me to I’ll be the one for you

-Omnisoul

Sister, Sister

So recently I have been getting along with my younger sister. She is seven years younger than me and my only sibling. Thus I had seven glorious years as a single and spoiled child only to have it all ripped away by a screaming brat. (I don't feel this way anymore, I swear!) My sister was a very sick little girl, looking back it makes me sad that I didn't really understand how important all the doctors, specialist, hospital visits, mom staying up all night with her and then sleeping all day were. I didn't care about her, I wanted my life back. (She ended up having several food allergies that we, and the doctors, were unaware of and apparently no one thought to check for. Chocolate, caffeine, wheat, gluten, refined sugar, replacement artificial sugar, citrus, highly acidic foods. She basically eats chicken and veggies. No tomatoes.) When I reached the age of no longer caring about any of the issues (approximately 14 years old) She was seven and wanted to do everything I did. WTF. Um last time I checked you were seven, yes count it up, seven years younger than me, so that would be a NO. What? Mom said you could?!?! Soooooo not fair! I have moved on from bitter exploits of my sisters life. We have grown closer over the last year or so. She is a human. Like a little adult that I actually get along with. We are friends. We read the same books and then discuss them. I'm the cool older sister with her own house to all her friends. We go out to the movies together. She comes to me with boy troubles. She asks my advice on fashion. She shares her secrets and dreams with me. I love it. I wish I would have appreciated my sister more growing up, but then again I might now appreciate what I have now so much. Who knows. All I know is I love my sister. To all the moms who worry about their kids hating each other and throwing punches over the remote. Give it time, they will understand. And to everyone that has siblings, appreciated the gift you have been given, it's a built in best friend. And to anyone that has estranged siblings that you still as adults don't get along with, nobody said you have to like em, just love em.

"Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life."
~Charles M. Schulz

Be Safe

I have recently finished the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. Holy freakin' cow. Best books I have ever read. Now that is no understatement. I'm positive that I have read nearing the 2,000 mark in novels alone. I love to read. Nothing is better on a gloomy day that my comfy bed and a good book. Emphasis on good. Literature is like clothing. It has to fit, feel good, you have to want to go back to it again, you can't wait till the author/designers next creation comes out. I hardly consider them 4 separate novels, the story is simply one epic tale that I will be re-reading until the end of time. Edward and Bella have the kind of love that bridges centuries. I believe there is no exaggeration to the statement that Bella and Edward are going to be the next Romeo and Juliet. It's all there. Fantasy, love, hate, family issues, self sacrifice, bravery, romance, engrossing plot twists, and a little sparkle of something I can't explain. I read over 3,000 pages in 6 days. I literally had to tear myself away to go to work! I cried when I finished them. I've tried reading a different book since I finished, I keep expecting Edward to come walking into the scene to no avail. I fell in love with the characters. They are so dynamic and developed, with so little effort. You don't feel as though she is forcing information on you, you just hunger for more! The story made me remember how amazing true love is. That it honestly can conquer all. I have been through a lot and had all but lost faith in my happy ending. I fell in love when I read these books. I like my men cold, dead, and sparkly. I want Edward. Now, to explain myself, I'm hardly a New York Times Best Sellers List kind of girl. I love the random barley published novels that you find at flea markets and on the bargain table at the book seller. Twilight has been coming out for 2 years now. Why did it take me so long to read them? I blew them off. Another bullshit series hyped up by the media and publishing market. Until finally my younger sister wanted to read them. (She is only 14 and these books are about Vampires. Beautiful, immortal, strong, and murderous Vampires.) I decided to read the first book to see if it was appropriate for her age group. I finished it in a day. I literally drove to my favorite book store (The Stately Raven, Findlay OH... Check it out!) and devoured the next 3 books concurrently. She is currently deep into the second one and we have plans to see the first movie at the midnight premier. These books have a following like none other. Millions of people, teens, adults, men, and women love them. They have been translated into 22 different languages. Whew. Sooo I guess what I'm saying is, read the damn books! And prepare to thank me for recommending the best story ever told.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." - Edward Cullen

My New Crack

Sorry for the absence. I have spent the last 5 days buried in the Twilight books. I'm on the fourth and final one. Over 2,000 pages in 5 days. They are my crack! I can't put them down! I love Edward and Bella.

Love Is The Higher Law

Note: At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm going to write about love. I realize that I often rant about the topic, however; tonight I'm going to write subjectively. I'm going to write what I think love is, not who I do love or who loves me. It's what is on my mind, so I'm going with it. I may even put some enlightening quotes at the end of the post.

Love is that feeling in your stomach when they call. Love is wanting to be with that person every minute of the day. Wanting to know what they are doing, not being controlling, just curious. Love is allowing them to make mistakes. Love is being there for them when their world crumbles. Love is being the one person who can make it ok. No matter what they do, we forgive, the most horrible things, we may get angry, but eventually we forgive, but above all we never stop loving. True love is being able to make an infinite list of things you love about the other person. Love is looking past all the things that irritate you. Not being able to imagine your live without that person. Crying at the mear thought of something happening to them. Wanting them to be happy at any cost. Not willing to let go. Always waiting and willing to take them back. Letting them see on their own time how much you love them. (Side note: I'm crying now. I can't even write about love anymore...) Everyone wants to be in love. Regardless of what the tough guy says, at the end of the day, he wants someone there who cares. Wants someone to agree when they yell about how much the Cleveland Browns suck. Wants someone to make them soup when they are sick. To give them a kiss when they get home, just to remind them they were missed. Love is wanting it so bad that you will give up anything for it. Love is never giving up hope. Sometimes love is waiting silently. Sometimes there is better love around the corner, but your too blearly eyed from crying to see it. Love is always giving it just one more shot. Love is what it is. You will know it when you feel it. You can't know emotional pain until you know heartbreak. Sometimes there is nothing left to do but love.

Falling in love is hard on the knees. - Aerosmith

Dreams unwind, love's a state of mind. – Fleetwood Mac

I call it love, they call it living in sin. - Bon Jovi

I want to know what love is, I want you to show me. - Foreigner

In harmony with cosmic sea, true love needs no company. It can cure the soul, it can make it whole, if dogs run free. - Bob Dylan

Is it lust? Is it love? Whatever it is, I can't get enough. - Scorpions

Love bites, love bleeds, it's bringing me to my knees. - Def Leppard

Love can be deep inside, love can be suicide. - The Beatles

Love equals war. - Devo

Love is a temple, love the higher law. - U2

Love is an energy, love is a mystery, love is meant to be true. Love is a part of me, love is the heart of me, love is the best thing we do. - Ashlee Simpson

Love is devoted to those who see that the last dance, you dance with the truth. - Ace of Base

They Let Me Know You Were Gone

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now
Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

-James Taylor

Shruken Pygmy Head

Omg. How did this happen? I'm a thick woman. A proportionate woman. Phenomenal boobs. Cute round ass. I was always happy. I never stressed about 5 lbs. I go through phases of working out. I like to run if my smokers lungs could handle it. I've always been very secure about my body. Upon prompting from my mother I tried Weight Watchers. I lost some weight but I wasn't happy. I like food dammit! Nothing is better than a hot grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of tomato soup on a cold day. I like carbs. Pasta is my vice. I don't want to give that up! I tried the whole organic thing. I felt better. But I got sick of eating food that all tasted like cardboard. Recently I have been a little careless about my usually particular eating habits. Working on my house and always being on the go set in. Too much fast food. My clothes still fit. I'm as sexy as ever. Until today. I got up from my desk and went to use the restroom. (I work in a nursing home and the cleanest and least used potty is in the therapy department.) There are mirrors all along the walls. (This helps residents and clients work on their physical therapy.) So as I'm walking through the room I catch a glimpse of my profile. DEAR FUCKING LORD! IS THAT MY ASS! IT RESEMBLES A LEDGE! DO I SERIOUSLY HAVE A FUCKING SHELF ASS?!?!?!? Ok Andrea. Breath. 10 lbs and you will be back to thick and gorgeous. Wtf. How did this happen? Since when do I have freak outs? Maybe it's these new pants. They are higher in the back and make my ass look big/longer. You know what my dad used to say about large women with shelf ass? "Looks like a good place to set my beer." Seriously? I'm so done. No more take out. I'm going to start packing my food to Bellacino's again. Organic cardboard. Yum! That ass will be shrunken like a Pygmy head by the time Nick gets home in November. I'm going to the gym in the morning. Omg. I can't take it. This has to be the fattest I have ever been. Ever. Omg. I can't handle it. How much does lipo cost? WHAT? That much?!?!? Christ. Elliptical here I come! Fuck. I hate being fat!

9.11.01

Well. I cried this morning. It's been seven long years in the United States history. It's truly mind blowing that catastrophic events such these can happen here. What about our sense of security? Our sense of home? Our sense of patriotism? All have been altered by the events of 9.11.01 I received over a dozen text message forwards today. All along the lines of "Today is 9/11, let us remember those who were lost, those who fight, support our troops and families" excetera. Here's the thing. I remember this day everyday. I don't need the anniversary of the day. I don't need a fucking text forward. I always carry a sense of urgent worry with me. There are people in my life, family and friends, whose daily well being depends on the safety of our country. Like wise the safety of our country depends on them. There are thousands of people who were touched by the inhumane atrocity of that day.What really breaks my heart about today, is that it takes the seventh anniversary of those horrible events to renew our patriotism. For how long? A week? That's not good enough. People have become so wrapped up in the election. You know what? I'm glad. If that's what it takes for citizens of America to become a little more involved, then so be it. I just wish people could be more aware. I have such a strong sense of being an American. I realize that not everyone can have such deep rooted values. I wore a pair of dog tags under my shirt all day today. I felt them every time I moved. It was a literal representation of what I feel. Every time I think, move, love, care, worry, there are people that it represents. I wish there was more appreciation for our troops. And all this "End the War! Support Our Troops!" is a heaping helping of fucking bullshit. No one wants this war. But to vocally destroy the moral ground that we are fighting on is just as bad as not support the troops. "You guys are great, but what you have devoted your lives and well being to is worthless!" You might as well say it. I don't like this war. I want it to be over. It will all run it's course. Me ranting about how much this war sucks is selfish. Talk to a marine, talk to a soldier, talk to an airman, talk to a seaman. God dammit, they know what the cost of this war is. No one else could possibly understand. This war isn't about enemy casualties, money, oil, power, or any of the other bullshit to me. The only thing I care about is not loosing any more American lives. I realize the war needs to end for that to happen, however, I also believe that we have to end this war properly or even more American lives will be sacrificed. I love the United States of America. I love what we were built upon and what we stand for. I love the men and women that risk their lives everyday for our freedom. I love my patriotism. I love the American Flag and what it stands for. I'm proud of our country and what we do and anyone that wants to criticize me for it can kiss my large, white, patriotic ass and fuck off! Whew! That's my two cents. I really don't give a fuck if you agree or not, so if your going to comment please make it a positive one.

Random Banter

Well folks. The time has come. Can I rant for a moment? My mother fucking water heater is going to cost me $750.00, if you are blissfully un-aware of the cost of the average water heater, it's $300 - $400. Why is mine so much you ask? Well I have a very fun model, short and fat just like me! Whoo! Fuckers. My friend Ben saved me $85 when he ripped apart the fan in the bathroom, the part he needs to fix it is only $35, I was going to spend $119 on a brand new fixture. Sweet! My hardwoods look great, after 6 hours on my hands and knees scraping 30 year old padding off the floor and pulling about a million fucking staples. Followed by 2 nights of deck scrubbing with Murphy's Oil Soap, and 2 coats of OrangeGlow with wax. Damn I'm good! I have taken about a 1,000 pictures, I just always happen to be on my computer at work when I update, I will put some up soon though. There are still several small things to do, but we are about 6 days ahead of schedule, and I'm moving on Sunday. Crazy! I will be glad when it's all said and done. I will have a glorious space to relax that is all mine. Huge space to paint and create, a kitchen to cook in. (All I have to say is that everyone should be thankful for the kitchen too, I make amazing holiday cookies, but I about fucking killed Nick trying to cook in my tiny ass apartment kitchen last year. Build for one. Not two, plus his ego. ) I'm ready for the financial bleeding to stop. I mean I knew it was going to be like this, I'm just getting sick of writing checks. On a different front, my love life is rather un-eventful, as it seems to continue the pattern, however, ladies and gentlemen, the drought has ended. Best friend came back for a weekend, and I had a fun filled evening. So I'm doing a little better. Ha! I have some sort of bug combined with fall allergies and a sever lack of sleep, I pretty much feel like shit. But my house looks good! Ugh. I ready for it to cool down and be fall! Long sleeves and jeans, football games, campfires, smores, Halloween, scarecrows, pumpkin carving, acorns, changing leaves, the smell, the feeling. I fucking love fall. I've some of the best times in my life in the fall. Crazy huh? I always associate the season with the good memories. Mmmm. I can feel it in my soul. It's going to be a good fall.

Bullet Points

It's been a few days since I have done an update. I only have a few minutes so I'm gonna try to re-cap. (With the assistance of these very streamline and stylish bullet points!)

• Nick came home for a surprise visit. By surprise I mean he struts into my office so proud to have surprised me, I scream, and proceed to leap on him. "What the fuck are you doing here! Why didn't you tell me asshole! Omg! Your here!" He was only here for a weekend, but still a good time none the less.
• I am in possession of my house. My mother has turned into HGTV host from hell. It's all good though. Shit is getting done. I'm exhausted. Every free moment in poured into the house. Sweat equity anyone? lol I found an amazing pair of Vintage Ray Bans in the attic. That in itself made all the sweaty work worth it. Ha.
• Crystal's birthday is coming up! We always host a hotel party, and I'm excited!
• Well I thought there would be more interesting bullet points here, however, as much as I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, in all reality, I'm just stretched way too thin trying to work on my house. Oy!

See One Through Nine

Ok. My day has been so out of control that I have to make a list or I will never get it all out.

1) Payday. Aka: pay your damn electric bill day!

2) Casey is contemplating coming to see me. He gets off work at 9pm and won't get here till midnight. I have to work at 7am tomorrow. Hmmm. Wonder what this trip is centered around? I'm not sure how I feel about that. Like a piece of meat?

3) Found out yesterday that I'm closing on Tues. September 2nd. Folks, I will have the keys to my house in my hand in less than 5 days. I have to be out of my apartment on September 18th. That's 16 days to basically scrub the house top to bottom, paint every single room, re-floor the laundry room, rip the carpet up in the entire house, pack all my shit up, move out of the apartment and into the house, and clean the apartment. Fuck. Ohhh Mom!

4) Sitting at my desk. At work 3 hours early, because I'm an overachiever. Answering phones, going about my business I glance up to greet whatever family member or resident has entered and I see none other than my best friend Nick standing there! WTF! I nearly had a heart attack (In hindsight, I suppose if I was going to have a heart attack at least there were 2 nurses with in 20 ft of me...) I was speechless. I jumped up and gave him a hug, he was laughing. Asshole! Very cute surprise, yet asshole none the less. So the story is that they got done with this hoopla training exercise 2 days early and they all got a 5 day weekend. He went and begged for clearance to come home and see his cousin before he leaves for Iraq on the 2nd. They gave it to him at 1:30am this morning and he was on a flight at 9am. Fucking crazy. Who cares! Nick is home! Only till Monday. Oh shit. Wait. Case is coming tonight. Yikes!

5) Several of my co-workers advice has gone along the lines of "Casey tonight, Nick tomorrow night and it will all work out!" Wow. I'm at a loss for words. How did this happen? To me of all people? Oy.

6) I have had a weird feeling in my tummy all day. At first I thought it was the prospect of seeing Case. Nervous and what not. But then I confessed that I was nervous to Casey and he said he was too and I felt a little better. But I still had this strange feeling like something was going to happen. Low and behold, my senses are right on the money!

7) The fair is this week. Normally I fucking love the fair. The food, the games, the rides, the merchants, old friends, fair friends, cane polls, the 4-H projects, the concerts, demo derby's, tractor pulls and cowboy hats. But this year something isn't in me. I'm not that excited about it. I really can't go anyway because of my jobs. Sucks.

8) My sister kicked ass showing her lambs today. Woot! It's the blood. Were all very competitive.

9) My apartment is still kinda a mess. Shit. Fuck. And now Nick is here too! God. I hate people seeing my house messy.

10) See 1 - 9 and I honestly wonder how I haven't had a panic attack yet. However, I'm really not having work right now.

That Girl

Oh to be on an even keel. I feel as though my emotions go up and down faster than the stock market. One minute I'm so excited about getting my house and working on it, the next I'm curled up in a pitiful ball contemplating how I became the "fall back girl" to all the men in my life. "All else fails I still have Andrea." How did I become that girl? Wtf. I blame myself. As my best friend Samantha has told me "You need to learn how to not be in love." It's sooo true. I will always love certain people in my life, there are other people that I have to care about, it's almost like I'm so invested in caring about these figures in my life that no matter what they do to me, I'm still around. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after agonizing year, I still love him. Say the word and I'm there. I would do anything for him. Several of "hims". Dammit. I hate caring so much. One minute I can't bear the thought of not being with Case for the rest of my life, the next I'm wondering about what could be with another huge figure in my life, the next I'm missing my best friend. I think that this has something to do with my depression. It gives me something to believe in. Not that love is something that beats all. I'm doubting what all these chick flick movies are about. Wow. I can't believe I just admitted to my depression. That's the first time I have honestly admitted it. Not that the panic attacks and manic ups and downs didn't give it away. I need to do something about it. I just keep putting it off, which clearly isn't helping the situation. I need to evaluate.

Describe Me.

Ok. Went to Canada. Drank a lot. Had fun. Back to the hellish working world. Fuck that.

Thoughts: So my friend Kim was trying to describe me the other day. Interesting to encounter. I'm an old soul, a lover of all music, an artist, a dreamer, a hard worker, a bitch, a baker, a writer, a renovator, a visionary, an illusionist, a theorist, a serial hobbyist, I'm brilliant, I'm beautiful, I'm me no matter what anyone things, I'm klutzy, I'm driven, I'm relaxed, I'm determined, I give up on what doesn't matter, I'm a planner, a deserter, a gambler, a drinker, a crazy young woman, I want things in life that I'm not sure I will like, I like things in life that I'm not sure I want to do (law, medicine, business) I want to run my parents company, I want to write a book, I want to get a degree, I want to flip houses, maybe be a realtor someday, I want to be with someone I love and have a family (but not forever, I can see myself coming to a point of non-contentment) I want to see the world, I want to be loved, I want to be fluent in French, I wanna kiss someone under the Eiffel Tower, I want to save a life, I want to sit in a book shop in London and drink tea while I listen to the British accents, I want to go to China and pee in a squat pot, I want to witness an Olympic match, I want to read thousands of book, I want to go to the Cannes Film Festival, I want my little sister to be normal, I want to skydive, I want to ski the Alps, I want to go swimming naked in Brazil, I want to spend a St. Patrick's Day in Ireland, I want to lay in the sand by the ocean and not think, I want to paint by the sea where no one can find me, I want to run away and be right here, I want to follow what my soul is saying for once, I want to understand the religious unknown, I want to study under a guru, I want to see the holy land, I want someone to listen to me, I want someone to say something I understand, I want the people in my life to accept me for who I am, I want more tattoos, I want my life to be mine everyday, I'm sick of working, I'm sick of being so concerned for everyone else. Someone needs to be concerned for me. I'm so many things, no wonder I can't just stick with one! I'm bound to try it, and be it all. Is this a "bucket list"? No, it has nothing to do with when I die, I just want to exist for once.

"Not all those who wander, are lost."

Just Maybe...

Boys. Yuck. Cooties! I fucking wish. Soo I have this friend who wants to set me up with this guy she knows. I checked out his myspace (God, that is sooo GenY) and he seems like someone I could get along with. Who knows right? Some common interests, some similar music tastes (he is in a metal band though, interesting, a CHRISTIAN metal band, weird.) he has a Harley (like a million bonus points there!) hes older, has TWO bachelors degrees and is working on a THIRD. Jesus. He already makes me look bad! He's eh looking. I hate being so superficial, but there has to be some level of attraction right? (I have a feeling the motorcycle could help his case here...) I don't know. The whole idea of someone new makes me scared shit less. However, the whole idea of someone from the past makes my throat swell up. (I'm beginning to think with all these ailments that men cause, they are bad for my health!) Lord knows I'm not ready for this, but then again, when have I ever waited until I was "ready" for something! It took me 20 min to decide to buy a house! 15 min to decide on my 5th tattoo. A half an hour to plan a trip to Canada. It's taken me 2+ years to move on from Casey. Maybe I should give him a shot. Just maybe.... (but we will have to talk about doing something with that hair of his!.. HA!)

I like lists!

I like to write things down. I'm a list maker. In school I made lists of homework and assignments to get done nightly. At work I make prep lists so the other employees know what needs done in their down time. I started making lists for my house. Things I need to get. Calls I need to make. Things that need torn out. Things that need cleaned. Things I need to take to the house. Services that need set up. I don't like these lists. Here's the thing, if I had longer to do all this, (16 days dosen't sound realistic. Fuck) At least my mom is going to fucking take over. For once I'm ok with it. If she wants to paint the entire inside of my house, then go right ahead. Who am I to tell her to drop the roller. As long as she is painting the colors I pick out, then we are good. Ha. Dad is there for handy work, and I guess I will live out of boxes until it starts to come together. It's all do-able. It's the waiting game to take possesion of the house. God dammit! I wanna start already!

Oh Amazon.com

I'm addicted to Amazon.com, and books. God I love books! I fucking love to read. I wish I had more free time. Fucking A. So I jumped on my ol' friend Amazon to order a book called "Something Borrowed", recommended by a friend Amy (we share a love of quick read, chick novels, with a lack to raunchy Fabio like characters.) I also looked at my "recommendations" aka: Amazon tracks what you order and gives you other items you will squeal with delight over, and eventually purchase. So, today in my oh so fabulous recommendations I find this book called "Generation Kill" It was written by a young 20 something Marine that completed a tour in Special Forces in Iraq in 2003. Intriguing. I bought it. Am I nuts? (For the love of God, yes, I know I am, don't answer that!) I'm going to be a hysterical mess reading about this poor kids friends dying, running out of ammo, being hungry, thirsty, sad, tired... Fuck I'm going to cry like he is my brother. Stupid purchase. That I can't wait to get my hands on. Oy. Am I allowed to send him a card when I'm done reading it? P.S. Nick is soooo reading this when I'm done. I don't care if I have to fucking quiz him on it, he will read it, if for no other reason to keep me happy. (He is going to bitch about it being about a Marine instead of an Airman. Fucking Wah!) End Rant.

Boxes.

I hate moving. I hate packing. I hate cleaning. I hate painting. Gah! I started packing up my apartment today. Lord in the night, how did I get so much shit! I've only been in my apartment for 16 months. I moved 3 times in 6 months. It sucked. And then I stayed in my apartment for a while. Let's hope I can keep my shit in line at the new house and stay there for a while. After all the work I'm going to put in the damn thing, it would take a massive fire, life altering illness, or a lottery win to get me out of that house in the next 2 years. I hate boxes. They look so ominous. "Your life is so insignificant that I can pack it all away and it will be like you never existed!" Yuck. I hate having shit boxed up while I'm trying to live somewhere. How homey is that? "Where are all your movies?" Answer "Oh in the 3rd box from the left, 2nd down." Jesus. Moving also makes you take stock in your life. Did I really buy that many clothes? Is it possible that I have entire box of candles? And another of picture frames? I hate unnecessary shit. However, the more boxes I pack, the more I seem to realize I have! 2 boxes of pots and pans? What the fuck. I love to cook, but I don't ever have the damn time. I suppose at least I have plenty of cupboard space in the new house. Did you know how much paint cost? Fucking A! Oh did I mention that I love to hang things on the wall? All over. My paintings, other artist work, metal decorative thingies, pictures, candle sconce thingies, little coffee cup artists decorator thingies, excetera. It always looks phenomenal. It makes the space feel more like mine. Guess what? That means there are about a million little fucking holes in my walls that have to be filled in. Fuck it! Oh yes. I hate cleaning. I went and spent $25 on cleaning supplies. Liquids to remove the gross stuff. That is outrageous! I'm scared of my bathroom floor. I think that the over spray from my "Extra Hold" hairspray does wonders to "Extra Hold" grime to the tile. The Swifter can only handle so much! I have a feeling this is going to be a hands and knees kind of job. Yuck! Oh and the massive amounts of hair that I loose daily? Drain. Correction. Not so drain. Gah! I hate moving! I wish there were people you could hire to do all this. Ah yes! There is! It's how much? Are you fucking crazy? I can do that shit myself! (As I cry "doing the shit myself" I curse my pride and penny pinching. If I can spend $300 on a designer handbag I can pay someone to clean this shit up!) Ok. I'm done. Until tomorrow morning when I get up and look at all those fucking boxes and get pissed off again. Fuck.

Second Smoke Break

I swear I'm bipolar. I was in a great mood all day today. Work went great. Everybody was rockin. No attitudes, no lazy asses, we were busy, everything was prep-ed, and I even got a second smoke break. Then about 3:45p I just crashed. My mood has deteriorated since. I want to go home, drink a beer, smoke a cigarette, and go to bed. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to wallow. Here is the interesting part, I don't know why I'm wallowing. Everything is going correctly with the new mortgage guy. I have a fun weekend away trip planned that is approaching quickly. Things are going well between Case and I. In fact I'm going to meet him half way on Thursday night. I miss him. I should be excited. Nick is happy in South Carolina (better than Texas anyway..). Samantha is going back to school. My sister is popular, pretty, smart, athletic, and young. Mom is being extremely supportive, and Dad is just good ol' Dad. But I'm just down. I wish I knew why. I have enough money for the moment. My family is all doing well. My friends are on the right path (for the most part, let's be realistic shall we?) Bla. That's just how I feel. Blabity Blue for no reason. Yuck.

Speaking of Release...

Life is crazy. I've been on the craziest emotional roller coaster in the last 2 weeks. Old flames, best friends, wine, beer, revelations, work, money, skinny dipping, tractor square dancing, mortgages, 2 year olds, and peeing in the grass. Yep that's the quick run around. I kinda feel more like a kid than ever, but at the same time oh so grown up. I mean skinny dipping with your best friend at the reservoir makes you feel like life is perfect and simple, fun and care free. On the other sanitized hand, I'm trying to get a mortgage to buy my first home. (Holy shit, I can't even legally have a beer in public yet!) I want to have fun. We booked a hotel room in Windsor, ON for later this month. I'm gonna live it up and drink it down! I need a little release from the stresses of grown up life. Speaking of release, I would love to have sex. With a man. Preferable that I care about. I'm seriously feelin' the drought. There is only so much you can do with yourself and batteries. I'm so exasperated at life that I want to lay down and give up one moment, and the next jump up and party. (I believe this is some form of pre mid-life bipolar crisis. Do they have good pills for that?) I want to be done with this house shit. I want to have some rough and damn fine sex. I wanna get drunk and gamble in Windsor. Then I wanna go back to being a responsible adult for a little while. That's not too much to ask. Is it?

Never Takes Too Long...

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.
You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.

I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Renovations

It's official. The house is mine. I'm loving life! Now I have to wait a whole month until I get to start working on it. Oy!

21 Answers

Update: I'm buying a house. Not just any house, my first home. My first mortgage. My first offer battle. My first closing. My first renovation. My first huge project. (My daddy is helping me renovate, but the money is alllll mine.) I'm excited. This feels right. This is something that I want to do. I will be good at it. How do I know? Religiously watching HGTV, DIY, and TLC better be good for something! A little about my adorable little pile of bricks: 1)Bricks. Literally. Stucco over brick. Which needs patched. 2) Needs all new windows. Before winter. 3) Needs a new roof. Before winter. Ironically enough I have the number of a good roofing contractor. Huh. 4) Nasty ass carpet in the entire place. Light at the end of the tunnel! Original hardwoods underneath alllllll of it. 5) Ugly counter tops. But it has a cute sink. 6) HUGE attic space which I'm going to finish out and convert to a master bedroom. (Promptly, I'm hoping.) 7) It's a re-possessed property. AKA: Pain in my ass at closing. 8) I need to buy appliances. IE: Refrigerator, Stove, Washer, Dryer, Large Television. 9) Paint, Paint, Paint. The inside walls, the trim, the outside trim, the porch celling, the entire house. 10) Tiny mother fucking bedrooms. One is going to be sacrificed for stairs to my beloved attic. However it will work as a small office space. 11) Adorable look out from the attic that is going to be my painting studio nook. 11) I get to purchase furniture. God damn I love Pier1. 12) I get to flex my creative and physical muscles. 13) Very cute front porch. I'm going to install a railing so it looks more finished. 14) The ugly red must go. Next spring project. Paint house tan. 15) No back patio. Also next spring project. Lay a paver patio. 16) Off street parking. 17) My mortgage is going to be less than my monthly rent. Hell yea! 18) It's going to be a fun project for my dad and I. 19) It's mine! 20) It's within walking distance of the bars. (I know, fucking alcoholic, but I would like to point out that I'm going to be 21 years of age in 4 short months. Gotta think ahead!) 21) The ultimate sign that this house was meant to be mine? All of the landscaping was dead or dying, except the rose bushes. My last name is Rose. Love it!

Bitter and Angry

I wish I remembered how to be happy. I'm just so angry and bitter anymore. I'm angry at my best friend. (Home for 3 weeks and I saw you twice.. That is a fucking DICK move!) I'm angry at my ex-boyfriend. (He is so immature and it makes shit so complicated.) I'm angry that I will always love him. I'm angry at work. (I hate being so fucking fake and happy all the god damn time. I just want to fucking yell. Make someone cry! Fuck!) I'm angry at my family. (I swear to god one of these days I'm just gonna snap and tell them all to Fuck OFF.) I'm angry that my karma is lagging. (As much as a bitch as I sound I really am a good person. Today for example, I found out that one of my residents at the nursing home that work at, loves to paint but she can't do it anymore. So I brought her in Watercolor pencils and the correct paper and did an art lesson with her. Off the clock. Because she is a nice lady and deserves it. I'm a nice lady and I deserve for life not to suck so fucking much!) I'm angry that life seems to be so hard for me when everyone else just sails right by getting hand outs. I'm angry I'm not having sex. I'm angry that I don't get to see my best friend. I'm angry that I miss the drugs. I'm angry that Bon Jovi went country. I'm angry that Barak Obama is winning the race for the presidency. I'm angry that 18 year old men (fucking babies!) are loosing their lives in this war. I'm angry that gas is $4.00 a fucking gallon. I'm angry at God for routing my life this way. I'm angry that I have to feel so much pain. I'm angry that I can't sleep. (Fucking Boogie Man.) I'm angry that I'm depressed. I'm angry that I drink. I'm angry that I can't stop crying. I'm angry that whatever I do never seems good enough. Almost there, I can see it, I can smell it. NO FUCKING WAY! Denied. I suck. End of story. I have become a bitter and angry old woman at the ripe old age of 20.

Pretending to Choose

Why is it so hard to believe me? Why does he have to question it? I know the answer. Because no one has ever loved him. It's hard to understand that life can be simple. Life can be fun. I'm doing my best to keep it together. I just want to give us the shot that we deserve. I know he wants this too. How long do I have to wait? I would wait forever if I had to. I just want him to hold me and tell me that it's all going to be alright. I want to be with him forever and start a new life. Together. At some point there will be nothing left. Not just for him, but for anyone. I will cease to exist. How is anyone supposed to know when that day is?

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times
-Sara Bareilles

Words of Wisdom

"Friendship and loyalty are an identity of souls seldom found on earth. The only really lasting and valuable friendship is between people of similar nature."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I had my sweater clogs on.

Why can't I sleep? Why do I always have to be thinking. Feeling. Worrying. Caring. Crying. Fuck. I hate this. All of it. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm loved. I'm discarded. I'm not good enough. I'm a bitch. I'm stupid. I'm all these things and feelings but somehow I don't know who I am anymore. Fuck. I define who I am by things that I do. Paint, bake, write, bitch. That isn't a person. It describes a character. I'm a shell of the old me. I can't even remember who the old me was. The best recollection of an amazing moment when I was truly happy and myself was over 2 years ago. I was in Streetsboro. I was wearing Kent State sweats. My hair hadn't been washed in over a day and was twisted up on top of my head. I had my sweater clogs on and the only jewelry I was wearing was my 3 stack ring that Case gave me. I was in Case's eclipse, we were on our way home from his dad's (which was an interesting trip in itself...) and Case held my hand in the car the entire hour car ride home. We randomly stopped at this car dealership that was closed. (This was before he hawked hunks of steel for huge amounts of money.) We walked around this lot for what seemed like forever. Looking at all these expensive pick-up trucks and SUV's that we could never afford. We got back into the car. He looked at me and said "Someday I'm going to give you the world. I love you. I want you. You mean more to me than I ever thought possible. I just wish I deserved you." That moment. That's it. He leaned over and kissed me and then we went home. Simple. I was young, beautiful and in love. I was completely me. The happiest I can ever remember being. Sounds crazy. But I would give anything to go back to that moment. To realize how happy I was in that moment. But life sucks that way. There is no going back. No way to fix it. I've tried. I've done everything and more. It's out of my control. And I know, move on, let it go, it wasn't meant to be, he is an asshole, he fucked you over a 100 times, he's not that good looking, he picked her, he's 3 hours away, his family is horrible, he has commitment issues, the sex is bad, he listens to terrible music, he is a mean drunk, he cries more than any man should, and it just won't work. But for every reason that I hate him, I have five that I love him. I miss his arms around me. He makes me feel safe and loved. That's all anybody wants. I love him. I always will. No matter what he does to me. Who else he is with. What holiday he fucks up. I know exactly how he feels. Whether he wants me to know or not. I will always be proud of the person that he is. I will always be here for him because I know that no one else will be. I will always remind him that I care. I will always cry for what I can't have. And there is a good possibility that I will never move on. I know that I will never be the same, but a chance to start over would be nice. A new beginning. I have tried to tell myself that I don't need him. And I don't. I want him.

Work A Little Harder

Ok. Time for me to vent. I hate people that don't work hard. HATE. I'm not saying your job has to be physically hard, or even that you have to work all the time, just try hard at life. Fucking try! And not some half ass ed "I swear I tried my hardest." bullshit. I work my ass off. Everyday. I work 6 to 7 days a week, 70-80 hours a week. I'm not saying every other sucker in the work force needs to dedicate their lives to employment as I have. However, if your a greeter at Wal-Mart, I shouldn't have to wait 10 min for a god damn pink return sticker while you make your 5th fucking attempt at parking the fucking electric scooter. Seriously? I informed the woman at the service counter of the less that enthusiastic performance. Am I bitch? Yes. Do I care? No. Do I think that excuse of an employee should be sternly scolded for such behavior? Yes. Fucking try! If you can't accomplish being a greeter at Wal-Mart then you are pretty much fucked. My father works harder than anyone I know. Hands down. I would like to see someone else do what he does. Works 70 hours a week, runs a personal business, is an outstanding dedicated father that is at every sporting event, play, and art show, loyal husband, and manages to have hobbies for himself. Pretty much a rare species of man. (Side note: I'm pretty much fucked on ever finding a husband that will ever live up to the standards that my father has set. Dammit!) I received my endearing yet self destructive work ethics and habits from him. I don't set the bar high for other people. My expectations are realistic. Another example. The dumb mother fucker that answers the phones at my eye doctor. First of all he calls me "Amanda". My name is Andrea. I correct him. We proceed. He then asks me to confirm my medical information. He rattles off a birth date that is no where near correct. I tell him that's not correct. His reply "Really?" My reply "Well it won't be correct if you have Amanda typed in instead of Andrea." He was silent. I hear a few clicks of the keyboard. He then repeats my correct birthday. Is is seriously so hard to listen when I corrected you the first time? Wtf. I guess all my ranting is a mute point. As long as there is welfare, WI CC, Social Security, Medicare, or any other government department willing to pay for the shit other people need, there will be no need to actually excel at life. I'm not saying welfare is a bad thing. It is meant to help people out when they are down and out until they get back on their feet. It's the people that never even try to stand that piss me off. Why should I have to work my ass off and pay taxes so you can get a welfare check and buy a fat sack of weed instead of diapers for your 3 month old. (I have witnessed such an event. I was furious!) If I have to take a drug test to get a job, then I think you should have to take a drug test to have the privilege of welfare. One of my co-workers I have known for 5 years. She is a 23 year old mother of 2. Un-married. Her boyfriend is still around and supports their children. They both work their ass off to stay off of welfare. They want to be a successful family and support their children. She will wear the same bathing suit for 3 years so her girls can have new ones ever year. They save up for months so their girls will have a good Christmas and get the things that they never did. I'm proud of the people that they are. They are the kind of people that keep America going. These type of "Hard-Workin' Folk" are few and far between now. It makes you wonder how we are going to make it much longer. Social Security is running out. There aren't enough jobs for the people that are willing to work. The cost of living has sky rocketed. The recession is hitting home for millions of American families. We need help. And for the life of me I don't see anybody that is up for the job. I don't even know who to believe anymore. If our government worked half as hard on fixing our problems at home, instead of the worlds issues we might not be in this shit hole, and just maybe we would have our men home safe with us instead of sitting in the bomb fucked desert with a gun and no ammo. Snakes, scorpions, fleas, horrendous heat, no water, no protection, no guarantees, no relief. Is that the cost of our lives? I think it's too high. I have the answer to America's problems. Work harder. If every person would just step up and make that extra effort, spend that extra 5 min. Care. Dedicate themselves to something. Anything! We would all be better for it.

Simple Together

Ever find that perfect song? Every word you would say yourself. Every single feeling and emotions is exactly what you are feeling. The song is beautiful and heartbreaking. This is my song. I can't stop thinking about it. It runs through my head all day. The moment I heard it first I knew that it was going to stick to me. It makes me cry. It make me feel. It makes me love. It makes me sad. It makes me hate. It is a testimony to all musicians and how powerful words can be. I love this song...

Simple Together
-Alanis Morissette

you've been my golden best friend
now with post-demise at hand
I can't go to you for consolation
cause we're off limits during this transition
this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and i can't stop bumping into things
i thought we'd be simple together
i thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
i thought we'd be precious together
but i was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and then some
i remembered you the moment i met you
with you i knew god's face was handsome
with you i saw fun and expansion
this loss is numbing me
it pierces my chest
and i can't stop dropping everything

i thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
i thought we'd have children together
i thought we'd be family together
but i was sadly mistaken
if i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
if i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
if i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

i thought we'd be genius together
i thought we'd be healing together
i thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous togheter
but i was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
i thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but i was sadly mistaken

Catholics Beware...

Disclaimer: This blog contains explicit dialogue. It may not be suitable for young children, prudes, virgins, or members of the Catholic church.

Sex. I don't know about you, but I like it. A lot. It's interesting how it plays such a pivotal role in our relationships. Someone gets divorced and people remark, "Well at least they didn't have any children." Royal couples were frowned upon, even disowned for not consummating their marriages with children. Sex holds this odd fascination for most of the world. I mean in all seriousness, it is pretty fucking cool. It's satisfying, right, wrong, amazing, dirty, clean, appropriate, ravenous, wet, dry, loud, quiet, horrible, short, drawn out, and damn good. Sex can be so many things. The phrase "Sex like a man." has been thrown around more recently than not. What does it mean? Sex without emotions? Sex without the attachment? Maybe those are the things that make it so amazing for a woman. The deeper the connection with a person, the better the sex. Not always. Random hook ups can be hot as hell. But they aren't passionate. They aren't meaning full. Just hot sex. I want hot love. "Making love." An interesting phrase. Unlike the phrase "Fuck.", It implies that there is love between the two people. The term "fuck" implies something less human, more primal, less emotion, more act. Who's to say both people are in love. If someone loves me as much as I love them, laying next to them and feeling their heart beat is enough. Bad sex or not, love trumps all. And where the fuck did all this religious bullshit come into play? Seriously? "Marriage is between a man and a woman", "no sex before marriage", "sex is a sin" Again, Seriously? They are taking all the fun out of it. Next time I see a cow mount up I'm gonna pull over and scream "Your not married! Sinners!" out my fucking car window. All of God's creatures are equal in the eyes of God. Or so they say. It's the reason I can't smash a ladybug for the fuck of it. If we are all so equal then why do we have these fucked up rules about reproduction that no one else does? Oh yes, hello, AIDS? Poor African guy couldn't get his dick wet so he fucked a monkey. Society caused the biggest outbreak of transmital disease in the history of the world. It was wrong for him to do what his body was telling him was right with a woman due to societal norms, so he fucks an animal. Love it. Way to go Karma for fucking us all over on that one. On the bright side we never would have gotten to see all those funny Trojan Condom comercials... I guess I would like to know what is so wrong about it. The taboo of sex has created an entire industry. Porn is king. So is HIV. What are we doing wrong? Not wearing condoms? Having too much sex? Too many partners? "Teen pregnancy is this horrible thing." Babies are miracles no matter how they come to us. 100 years ago if a woman wasn't married with children by the time she was 18 she was a spinster. I realize times have changed. Then why can't our acceptance. Sex can be a beautiful thing. It's sposta be fun! All those fun positions and foreplay? Who decided this was bad? Ok. I don't wanna get a diseas as much as the next girl, however, birth control is $9.00 a month at Wal-Mart. Free at Planned Parenthood. They hand out condoms on college campuses. They are cheap! They sell them in vending machines at gas stations for christ sake! There is a vacine for HPV (which causes Cervical Cancer.) We now can tell you the 3 days everymonth that you are more likely to get knocked up. They made a comedy about accidental pregnancy for God's sake! If we would simply educate American's about sex, all of it, pregnancy, protections, disease, that's it's ok to like it, that it's only a sin if you believe it is, there is no "correct" age to start, it dosen't make you more or less of a man, and that it's part of life. All we are telling these kids is that sex is bad and don't do it. Show them how to put a condom on. Explain to them the signs of pregnancy. Make them comfortable enough to ask the questions they really want to know the answer to. Explain that sex is more than an act, it's a feeling, it's an emotion, it's a commitment. Sigh. I'm not sure that my opinon matters. I'm just sick of it being such a terrible thing. I'm not a slut for enjoying sex. Having children before you are married is fine, might be tough, but there are harder things in life. Like getting over the loss of a child. Blaming yourself. I don't think I would have been ready to deal with that at 16. I still wasn't ready at 18. I couldn't handle it today. That's what people don't realize. The set of risks that come with all this. How do you deal? How does anyone deal. I just don't want to see this get worse before it gets better.

FYI: Hell Just Froze Over

Well. I'm not sure I have anything to say. What?! Did hell just freeze over? Andrea is actually speechless? I think that I'm feeling too much and not saying enough. Yep that's it. It's all inside. Oh just wait. When it rains, it pours folks. Hell hath no furry like an emotional woman.

Told You So.

It's 12:30am and I'm sitting here awake. I'm freaking out. I'm not ready for this. I know that I need to put it back. Back the way we were. Happy people. Best friends. Not too involved. I think we can do it. Somehow it has become my responsibility. How is this all my fault? I was the one that hated him in the first place! I don't want him to come home. Does that make me a horrible person? I've been apart from him for 7 months and I could use another. What the hell Andrea?! I should be giddy. I should be bouncing off the walls that he is going to be home in 1 day. 24 fucking hours. I'm not ready for this. All the choices. All the feelings I have to keep inside. All the bullshit. All the pretending. All the crying. All the hurt. All the pain. All the drunken 2am phone calls. All the other women. The family drama. Being left behind again. That's what it comes down to. I'm not enough. He will always need someone else too. Too. In addition to. How much should I really be subject to seeing? I don't want to know. Period. I don't want to do this anymore. I miss my best friend. I miss laughing at his jokes. I miss it being easy. I wish I knew what he felt. I wish I could be enough. I wish.. I don't know what I wish. I feel sick. Someday, when it becomes painfully obvious that this isn't going to work, ever, if I haven't already come to this point, we are both going to find other people. What then? I've already briefly dealt with a man jealous of my male best friend. Women are worse! I can only imagine how much harder this is going to be apart, rather than together. But together doesn't work, so how can apart ever? God dammit. I'm so fucking over life. I hate all of this. I'm in no emotional state to be feeling anything. I need a glass of wine and my bed. I'm never going to sleep tonight. Fucking Christ. There must be an answer. I need to find it. Not necessarily the "answer" to this particular debacle, but the path. All of it. Where I am, what I need, what I want, who I'm meant to be with, what I'm meant to do, who cares about me, what I care about, what my life is meant to become. That answer is a little harder to come by. I used to think he was the only one that knew the answer, he just wanted me to find it first so he could say "I told ya so." (The asshole is sooo ridiculous good at saying that to me.) Fuck. Now I'm crying. I really miss him. Fuck.

Rent to Own

I'm going to rip out my ovaries and staple them to the wall with a sign above them that reads "Fuck Men!" I'm paying rent on something I don't own. I wish I would have a god damn kid already so I could build some equity in the mother fuckin' things. The market is going through a dry spell. (Eh em, bold innuendo) I feel like a truck hit me. Fair warning the first man to piss me off while I feel like this, is also going to feel like a truck hit them! Fuck this. Fuck babies. Fuck men. Fuck happy couples. Fuck being a woman. Fuck the 4th week of the month. Fuck drugs that aren't strong enough. Fuck pregnant women. Gah! Owie.

Doubts of Faith

It's amazing what the human spirt can endure. Pain and Suffering. Loss and Death. Physical and Emotional ailments. We never give up, for fear of failure when we do give in. What happens when your spirit gives up? You die. Have you ever been around someone who is dying? From old age, cancer, severe injury? They die when they want to. Don't kid yourself. The human body can endure so much, it will last as long as your spirit is holding on. There are countless stories of people dying, in a coma, or otherwise, completely unable to communicate, and once that single important person that they were holding on for says to them "It's okay to let go, I know it's your time to go." it's a matter of minutes. I suppose death is a depressing topic. I don't know, maybe our culture has glorifyed it. Made it this heinous scary event. Zombies, ghosts, and other "living dead" have run rampant in hollywood. I'm a firm believer in the spirt world. If you know me well enough then you know that the spirt world is a firm believer in me also. People have unfinished business. Ghosts aren't always the happy Casper kind, sometimes their unfinished business is more sinister. For example vengance? If you don't have that connection with the other world then you really don't need to have any concern for your saftey. (Unlike most summer blockbusters portray, ghosts really can't hurt you.) If you are connected the way that I am you are going to know waaay in advance when a spirit is good or bad. You just know. I'm not sure why I have been contemplating this so much. Everytime a major event happens in my life I become more in touch for a brief period. I have always seen things other people don't see and felt things other people don't feel. Sometimes I feel as though this has a profound affect on my issues with God. Why it's so hard for me to have this blind faith. I know things other people don't. I see things that make me question what kind of God allows for this to happen. I wish I could just know that there is a God. There are things in my life that I just know. The existance of God isn't one of them. I wish someone could make it simple for me. Simple enough to believe in. However, unless that person knows what I know, I'm still going to struggle with their faith.

Mother Fucking Karma

I am a firm believer in Karma. I may not be the most religious person on the block, however, I am in informed individual, there fore I'm perfectly capable of deciphering my own views. I don't need a priest, or a pastor, or a minister, or a rabbi, or an evangelist, or an atheist, or any other fucking moron to tell me what to believe. By my education and formulated views; I believe that there is something bigger than us. Some people believe it's God, Allah, The Spirit of Mother Earth, Satan, or whatever other god or idol you chose to throw your time away on. I'm not knocking religion. (However, my horrible attitude towards it is shining brightly in this particular blog.) Some people need that. Something to believe in. I believe in life and death. Simple enough. I have people in my life who are devout Christians, but that doesn't mean I share their goal. What is their goal? "Spread the word of God." Fucking bite me with that bullshit. I absolutely hate when people try to shove religion down my throat. If I wanted to taste it I would. No need to hold me down and force feed me. What the fuck. Whew. Went off on a little tangent there. Anyway, back to Karma. I honestly believe that life is about keeping score. Who has the most points. I don't buy any of this "In God's eyes everyone is equal." bullshit. Everyone is not equal. People suck. There are very bad people in the world. Your trying to tell me that Charles Manson and I are both kicking it in left field? I think not! He is in the dumpster in the parking lot and I'm on the mother fucking pitchers mound. Ever been to a t-ball game? They don't keep score, because "You are all winners." You know what? Every single one of those 5 year olds walks off the field and asks their mom or dad "Did we win?!" You know why? Because in life there are winners and loosers. Survival and death. There are people that bust their asses to try to make an honest living and be a successful part of society. You know what? Fuck society. (I'm extremely pissy right now, can ya tell?) I just can't seem to understand how things work out. I realize that some things just aren't meant to be understood, but god dammit, I wanna know! How does a convicted criminal get everything they have ever dreamed of, while I bust my ass and hope I make it another day. Fuck that. I'm so pissed of at whoever keeps track of the Karma points. I want a re-count. This isn't fair! (If you even reply to me that "Life isn't fair." I'm gonna bloody your noes and break your tibia.)

My mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the Pope." Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.
-Pablo Picasso

Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll

Three of life's greatest pleasures. Sins? Well I'm pretty sure that Rock 'N' Roll keeps me sane. I wonder, how did this sub-culture become? Aerosmith? Rolling Stones? (I don't consider The Beetles Rock and Roll, really it's more of a monotonous British Invasion bullshit sort of sound...) or does it go all the way back to Elvis Presley. Elvis was about bucking the system, doing something people thought was outrageous. He made it amazing. Women swooned at the sight of his hip gyrations. He made "loud and inappropriate" music. He changed a nation. He made a way of life. I have been reading this book. "The Heroin Diaries" by Nikki Sixx of Motley Cure. I would highly recommend it to anyone with any sense of relationship to the rock lifestyle. To me, rock is something that makes me wanna stand up and belong to the uprising. I know it's not fully accepted. I know it's loud, rude, and crazy. That's why I like it. To me music is about expressing something so deep and so true that only the honest sounds of your being can convey it. Scream it fucking out! "Hell hath no furry like a small town boy with a dream." Nikki Sixx said that, and it embodies what I'm talking about. Anybody, anywhere, can have this feeling, a yearning to connect with something so raw, yet so powerful. I love the whole persona. The tattoos, the drinking, the loud ass music, hating the cops, the avalanches of coke, hookers, strippers, groupies, roadies, tours, and the mother fucking attitude. I think ZZ Top had it nailed in a lyrical phrase "Naked women and beer, we got it all right here." A lifestyle that reaches beyond their wildest dreams. Nikki Sixx summed it up on the Girls, Girls, Girls tour.
Top 5 Tour Activities
1. Crashed Limos? 1
2. Cocaine? It's snowing 8-Balls
3. Whisky? By the gallon
4. Whores? More than we can take advantage of..
5. Repercussions? none
God Bless Rock 'N' Roll
Sometimes I wish I could throw myself into a life like that again. I was having fun. The problem is not everyone gets the luxury of #5 on that beautiful list. Life takes it's toll. Being addicted to drugs, never seeing home, fucking strippers on the road instead of your wife at home, screaming the same, once angst riddled songs, and praying you don't wake up tomorrow is no way to live. It all comes down to that. Always. It will end. It always does. I'm marking my journey through my soul by marking my body with tattoos. I plan to continue. If anybody doesn't like the way I live my life they can kiss my large, white, tattooed, mother fucking ass. And that ladies and gentlemen is why rock lives on. The mother fucking attitude of it all. Any god damn questions? I didn't fucking think so!

Down The Only Road I've Ever Known

Sometimes I wonder why things happen they way they do. Why did I have to go through all that? Why did it have to hurt so bad. I care too much. But maybe that's the problem with the world now. No one cares enough. I didn't "think" about him everyday. I "worried" about him everyday. That is no way to live. I want life to be simple and happy. Sometimes you have to work at it and fight for the important things, but in all reality it should be enjoyable. The day to day life with another person should be simply happy. Be there for each other. Look out for each other. Support each other. Be proud of each other. Tell each other everything. Share a life. Be best friends. Be in love. The kind of love that is easy. The kind of love that you wake up each day and say to yourself, "I'm happy with him. We are content." My parents are perfect. (Clearly they aren't perfect, but the relationship is damn close.) There is nothing wrong with a relationship if it doesn't have the "passion". First of all, that shit is over rated. Second of all, you have to be a romanticised person to be that passionate. Any shred of reality and common sense destroys it. (God forbid we be functional human beings in a functional relationship!) Maybe I can do this. Maybe I could go away for 6 years. New places and new faces. It could be exactly what I need and never wanted. Just maybe, if I would have considered it, instead of simply stating that it wasn't going to happen. Just maybe I do love him. Just maybe it was right in front of me all along. Just maybe we need each other in the best of ways. Then again, maybe I needed to realized that the last guy needed me and I didn't need him, before I could realize who I really do need. I should have seen the writing on the wall. Literally. On the mother fucking wall. I went to see the Sex and the City Movie w/ my mom. All I could think about was my ex-boyfriend. The misery of it all. Then we went to eat. We got sat at the only table in the whole damn place with a fucking _____ picture on the wall. Then my song played. The song he picked for me. (Not the ex, but the one that was right in front of me...) Are you kidding me? If there is a God he was jumping up and down getting pissed that I wasn't seeing his not so sudel signs. Life has a funny way of making sense every once in a while. Uncanny how it's at the worst moments. Could it be love? Could it be right? Could we be happy? Is that what he wants? Is that what I want? How do I tell him? Do I tell him? Dammit. Here we go again.

The Words Will Come

I have calmed down. I need to do something for myself. Make a change. Be the bigger person. I'm done. Officially and Permanently. Maybe I needed to put everything I had into it one last time. I needed to see that even when I'm all in, he still can't do it. Could he ever? He will come back to me. He always does. This time I won't be waiting. I have said that before, but this time I'm going to actually do it. I don't care how much I love him. Maybe that is the problem. I love him too much. Maybe I will never know. Life isn't meant to be perfect. Shit happens. Bad shit. Maybe all this time I have been comparing every person to him because I love him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone else. Maybe I have just been looking for the wrong thing. Maybe it's not all about the torrid passionate romance. (Don't get me wrong, hot sex is great.) Just maybe it's about finding someone that gets you. That you can spend the rest of your life with content. A best friend. To be happy all the times between sex. (Crazy! I know!: Insert sarcastic tone here) Someone who loves you enough to take care of you. To want you to be happy. Maybe it's not all about your "soul mate". I read this book about the Yogi religion in India. They believe that your soul mate isn't who you are meant to spend your life with. It is someone that teaches you something about yourself and your life that no one else could. Then when it's the hardest point to let go, they leave you. Maybe that's the way it should be. If you spend your entire life obliviously happy then how will you ever know the beauty of triumph. Of overcoming the hard parts in life and relationships. Another lesson in life. Loosing a loved one. They accept that the one you are most in love with isn't the right one. Even Romeo and Juliet got screwed. Life blows. But I suppose it gets better. (Bla Bla, it will all work out, I promise, Blabity blue, I know.) I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm conflicted. I just want someone to help me understand. Maybe no one can. It's possible that I'm the only one that can get myself through this. He needed me to get "through" it. Fuck that. I need me. (And maybe my best friends. And a bottle of wine.)

Blank Inside

He picked her.

Faith

When did I become such a wuss? A serious push over. I used to be queen bitch. You didn't fuck with me without consequences. Now I'm all "It's ok, I understand, I just want you to be happy." Bla Fucking Bla! My dad and Nick both said I have gone soft. I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. Too much heartache and let down has broken me. How do I keep up with all the confidence, goals, positive attitude, moxy if life just keeps shitting on me? I'm still me, just a much more sullen version. I listen to Five for Fighting when I used to listen to Bon Jovi, I watch Pride and Prejudice when I used to watch Goodfellas, I cry when I used to laugh, I sleep when I used to run, I work when I used to play. Is this growing up? Fuck that. I hate my life right now. I just want some happiness. I can't for the life of me understand why that is so much to ask for. I prayed a few days ago. And every day since. If you know me at all, then you know, I do not pray. Ever. Not since I was 12 years old. That's how desperate I am. I have no control. I have never even taken a drug that made me feel this out of control. Nowhere else to turn. Nothing left to do but fall to the ground and pray. I believe in God, in a matter of speaking. Maybe this is his way of bringing me back. I drifted so far away from him that he had no choice but to wreck my life until there was no where left for me to turn but to him. (I would like to insert here: When the fuck did I get so smart about philosophy? Samantha has taught me well.) I continue to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I dropped out of college, got fired, lost my best friend, made some bad choices, was broke, couldn't go to culinary school in Chicago, couldn't move to South Carolina, couldn't be happy, for a reason. A reason unforeseen to myself. I had a small amount of faith that God knew what the fuck he was doing. Until he took so much that I had nothing left. That is honestly how I feel. God should be a giver, not a taker. But whatever shred of faith I had left was all that I had. I kept moving on. Until I hit this giant brick wall outside my front door. A wall that threw me to the ground faster than I could blink. Is everything leading to this? Every mistake, every letdown, every heartbreak, every miserable moment because something better was coming? I am willing to accept that all of that pain was worth happiness. I want this. I want my life back. Then to tease me with it like this? I'm not strong enough for another let down. Period. I won't survive it. I can't. There is literally nothing of me left. I can't even write another sentence. Too much pain.

The Love of Ages

Romeo and Juliet. Mark Antony and Cleopatra. Tristan and Isolde. Napoleon and Josephine. Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw. The everlasting loves of the world. It's June. Month of Weddings. The Wedding. The Dress. The Food. The Location. The Guests. The Love Of Your Life. My best friend would be on her honeymoon right now. But fate intervened and it wasn't true love. She knows with all her heart who her true love is, but she isn't with him. It's funny how the heart knows no boundaries. Doesn't see when it's inconvenient. Doesn't see when its hard. Doesn't see when it's painful. I am in love. True Love. The kind of love that no matter what happens or who I'm with in my life, I will love this man with my whole heart. I'm not with him. I'm not near him. My heart hurts to think about him. I am literally in tears at this moment writing the thoughts of never being with him ever again. How is love so complicated? As complicated as we tend to think life is, it is really rather simple. You are born, that is life. You die, that is death. It's everything in between that is so hard. It's the relationships you make. The people that you love that make a life worth living. These are the people that complicate life and death itself. You have children with people you love. The people you love die. A part of you dies with them. Family. Friends. Lovers. Children. I just want a fulfilled life. A life with the man I love. If Mr. Big can get his shit together and Carrie gets married at 40 then why the fuck can't my man see that there is no choice? I'm in love. The worst kind of love. The blind kind. The painful kind. The kind that makes you break down crying in the shower at the thought of him with someone else. The kind that when you see a happy couple your heart aches because he isn't next to you. The kind that when you crawl into bed at night you cry yourself to sleep because you are the only one there. I love him. With every piece of my being. Forever.

The Third Letter Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mail coach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
-Ludwig van Beethoven

That Is So Un-American

My best friend Samantha has a lot of theories. About all sorts of things: random hook-ups (grow a penis, then it's ok.), drugs, god, patriotism (That is so un-American!) , school, work, friendship, family, and many more. Either one of two things is occurring here. She is a deeply philosophical being and is on level with great philosophers such as Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates. Or she just thinks too god damn much when she is high. Either way it's interesting the things we can come up with when we dig deep in our minds. Below you will find the definition of a theory:

Main Entry: the·o·ry
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural the·o·ries
Etymology: Late Latin theoria, from Greek theōria, from theōrein
Date: 1592
1: the analysis of a set of facts in their relation to one another
2: abstract thought : speculation
3 a: a belief, policy, or procedure proposed or followed as the basis of action b: an ideal or hypothetical set of facts, principles, or circumstances —often used in the phrase in theory

Personally I am a fan of definition #2. "Abstract thought or speculation". Isn't that what we all do? Abstract thought is possibly the best term I have ever heard to explain what happens when you are stoned into an oblivion. Speculation also describes many of the "theories" floating around today. The "theory" of evolution anyone? My "theory" on all of these theories is that we just want to understand. Samantha recently posted a blog about her theory on how we get closer to god and how god wants us to be on the same level as him and that is why humanity continues to learn and develop. She just wants to understand how to get closer to god. Makes perfect sense to me. You have an interest in a subject and no one else seems to make any sense when they discus it. You gather as much knowledge as you deem necessary and then you form your own speculations and abstract thoughts until they make sense to you. Thus a theory is born. So I suppose that Samantha is using the fundamental skills that it takes to learn. They don't necessarily have to be correct, the beauty of topics of theory is that no one is right. It allows you to feel as though you have solved one of the mysteries of life. That's all anyone wants, right? ( Samantha's life goal is to be rich and powerful. I suppose solving life's mysteries could fit into that...)

Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me.

Update #2 on Gangster's Paradise: I don't know what to do. I'm dying inside. The before mentioned ex-boyfriend called again. He is unhappy with Prom Queen. He told me that she degrades him. Excuse me? That is absolutely unacceptable! He has worked so hard to get where he is, she will never understand the sacrifices he has made and the things he has been through. How dare she say he will never amount to anything. Then she proceeds to tell him that she is done with him and he should go find a stripper to be with and they can live in his storage shed. I wanna fuck this little dyke bitch up! 1) I am not a stripper! 2) We are clearly going to live in an apartment. 3) I wish I could see her face when she realizes that he actually might leave her for me. 4) Die Prom Queen! After all is said and done (20 min later) she will beg for him back and say she loves him and he can never leave her. Up until now I was trying very hard not to hate her because I don't know her. 17 year old bitch. She is crazy (he swears bi-polar), he is unhappy, he is still in love with me, he thinks we could be happy together, but he is trying to decide if he wants to leave Prom Queen and try again with me, or try to make it work with the crazy high school age bitch. I'm in a competition and there is nothing to do but wait. Who can wait him out and seem less crazy. (Obviously it's about the fact that we still love each other, but that bitch is crazy!) I love him. Always have, always will. He knows that. When he hung up the phone this afternoon he said "I love you baby." when he hung up. Hello! I win! Clearly I'm better than she is. I'm an adult for starters. I just can't understand how this is such a hard choice for him. He hates change, and I know that. But I feel like I am the obvious choice. God dammit. I just wanna be happy. To start life over again. I don't think I will survive if he decides to stay with her. I need this as much as he does. We both need to start over. Be happy. Be in love again. I'm not religious but I hope and pray I'm the one he needs. God please.

"Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me."
-Meridith Grey

$79.99

Setting: Kohl's Department Store
Offense: Wrong Sale Sign
I would like to know how hard of a job it is to hang up the cream colored sale signs where they mother fucking belong! I'm sure it's not as easy as it sounds. Matching thousands of products to particular discounts and specials. I agree to cut a certain amount of slack. However, when the bitch at the counter rips into me because there is an incorrect sign and I refuse to pay the regular price for my ceramic flat iron, I draw the line. I needed a new straightener and had seen they were on sale in the add. So I proceed to go look at them. I had selected a Bed Head Ionic Ceramic 2" Flat Iron. Extremely nice hot pink model, was regularly $79.99. That is an outrageous sum of money, however I have a strong belief that you get what you pay for. There was a sign above the display that stated "All Electronic Hair Products: 15 - 50%". If you have ever shopped at Kohl's you know that sometimes on the sale signs it lists particular items followed by their new sale price. (For those people who can't roughly figure out what 15% of said item is. All I have to say is duh.) This particular sign had a general list of items all on the display, there were also several items not on the sign that were displayed. My coveted flat iron included. I get up to the register assuming that the product is 15% off because it is a more expensive item therefore will be a smaller percentage off. It rings up $79.99. I calmly say to the woman that the sign stated that All Electronic Hair Products were on sale. She flips out on me, accuses me of incorrectly reading the sign and then calls back to the dept. As we wait for them to call back with the price she rings out 3 other customers. Did I mention that it was Wednesday afternoon? (Which is Senior Day, kill me now.) They call back and say that not all the items are on sale. Excuse me? I'm not paying full price. The fucking sign says all! I proceed to get angry. Very angry. Long story short I got the flat iron for 15% off because I put the fear of god in that bitchy ass cashier. Bitch. I win.