Never Takes Too Long...

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.
You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.

I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Renovations

It's official. The house is mine. I'm loving life! Now I have to wait a whole month until I get to start working on it. Oy!

21 Answers

Update: I'm buying a house. Not just any house, my first home. My first mortgage. My first offer battle. My first closing. My first renovation. My first huge project. (My daddy is helping me renovate, but the money is alllll mine.) I'm excited. This feels right. This is something that I want to do. I will be good at it. How do I know? Religiously watching HGTV, DIY, and TLC better be good for something! A little about my adorable little pile of bricks: 1)Bricks. Literally. Stucco over brick. Which needs patched. 2) Needs all new windows. Before winter. 3) Needs a new roof. Before winter. Ironically enough I have the number of a good roofing contractor. Huh. 4) Nasty ass carpet in the entire place. Light at the end of the tunnel! Original hardwoods underneath alllllll of it. 5) Ugly counter tops. But it has a cute sink. 6) HUGE attic space which I'm going to finish out and convert to a master bedroom. (Promptly, I'm hoping.) 7) It's a re-possessed property. AKA: Pain in my ass at closing. 8) I need to buy appliances. IE: Refrigerator, Stove, Washer, Dryer, Large Television. 9) Paint, Paint, Paint. The inside walls, the trim, the outside trim, the porch celling, the entire house. 10) Tiny mother fucking bedrooms. One is going to be sacrificed for stairs to my beloved attic. However it will work as a small office space. 11) Adorable look out from the attic that is going to be my painting studio nook. 11) I get to purchase furniture. God damn I love Pier1. 12) I get to flex my creative and physical muscles. 13) Very cute front porch. I'm going to install a railing so it looks more finished. 14) The ugly red must go. Next spring project. Paint house tan. 15) No back patio. Also next spring project. Lay a paver patio. 16) Off street parking. 17) My mortgage is going to be less than my monthly rent. Hell yea! 18) It's going to be a fun project for my dad and I. 19) It's mine! 20) It's within walking distance of the bars. (I know, fucking alcoholic, but I would like to point out that I'm going to be 21 years of age in 4 short months. Gotta think ahead!) 21) The ultimate sign that this house was meant to be mine? All of the landscaping was dead or dying, except the rose bushes. My last name is Rose. Love it!

Bitter and Angry

I wish I remembered how to be happy. I'm just so angry and bitter anymore. I'm angry at my best friend. (Home for 3 weeks and I saw you twice.. That is a fucking DICK move!) I'm angry at my ex-boyfriend. (He is so immature and it makes shit so complicated.) I'm angry that I will always love him. I'm angry at work. (I hate being so fucking fake and happy all the god damn time. I just want to fucking yell. Make someone cry! Fuck!) I'm angry at my family. (I swear to god one of these days I'm just gonna snap and tell them all to Fuck OFF.) I'm angry that my karma is lagging. (As much as a bitch as I sound I really am a good person. Today for example, I found out that one of my residents at the nursing home that work at, loves to paint but she can't do it anymore. So I brought her in Watercolor pencils and the correct paper and did an art lesson with her. Off the clock. Because she is a nice lady and deserves it. I'm a nice lady and I deserve for life not to suck so fucking much!) I'm angry that life seems to be so hard for me when everyone else just sails right by getting hand outs. I'm angry I'm not having sex. I'm angry that I don't get to see my best friend. I'm angry that I miss the drugs. I'm angry that Bon Jovi went country. I'm angry that Barak Obama is winning the race for the presidency. I'm angry that 18 year old men (fucking babies!) are loosing their lives in this war. I'm angry that gas is $4.00 a fucking gallon. I'm angry at God for routing my life this way. I'm angry that I have to feel so much pain. I'm angry that I can't sleep. (Fucking Boogie Man.) I'm angry that I'm depressed. I'm angry that I drink. I'm angry that I can't stop crying. I'm angry that whatever I do never seems good enough. Almost there, I can see it, I can smell it. NO FUCKING WAY! Denied. I suck. End of story. I have become a bitter and angry old woman at the ripe old age of 20.

Pretending to Choose

Why is it so hard to believe me? Why does he have to question it? I know the answer. Because no one has ever loved him. It's hard to understand that life can be simple. Life can be fun. I'm doing my best to keep it together. I just want to give us the shot that we deserve. I know he wants this too. How long do I have to wait? I would wait forever if I had to. I just want him to hold me and tell me that it's all going to be alright. I want to be with him forever and start a new life. Together. At some point there will be nothing left. Not just for him, but for anyone. I will cease to exist. How is anyone supposed to know when that day is?

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times
-Sara Bareilles

Words of Wisdom

"Friendship and loyalty are an identity of souls seldom found on earth. The only really lasting and valuable friendship is between people of similar nature."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I had my sweater clogs on.

Why can't I sleep? Why do I always have to be thinking. Feeling. Worrying. Caring. Crying. Fuck. I hate this. All of it. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm loved. I'm discarded. I'm not good enough. I'm a bitch. I'm stupid. I'm all these things and feelings but somehow I don't know who I am anymore. Fuck. I define who I am by things that I do. Paint, bake, write, bitch. That isn't a person. It describes a character. I'm a shell of the old me. I can't even remember who the old me was. The best recollection of an amazing moment when I was truly happy and myself was over 2 years ago. I was in Streetsboro. I was wearing Kent State sweats. My hair hadn't been washed in over a day and was twisted up on top of my head. I had my sweater clogs on and the only jewelry I was wearing was my 3 stack ring that Case gave me. I was in Case's eclipse, we were on our way home from his dad's (which was an interesting trip in itself...) and Case held my hand in the car the entire hour car ride home. We randomly stopped at this car dealership that was closed. (This was before he hawked hunks of steel for huge amounts of money.) We walked around this lot for what seemed like forever. Looking at all these expensive pick-up trucks and SUV's that we could never afford. We got back into the car. He looked at me and said "Someday I'm going to give you the world. I love you. I want you. You mean more to me than I ever thought possible. I just wish I deserved you." That moment. That's it. He leaned over and kissed me and then we went home. Simple. I was young, beautiful and in love. I was completely me. The happiest I can ever remember being. Sounds crazy. But I would give anything to go back to that moment. To realize how happy I was in that moment. But life sucks that way. There is no going back. No way to fix it. I've tried. I've done everything and more. It's out of my control. And I know, move on, let it go, it wasn't meant to be, he is an asshole, he fucked you over a 100 times, he's not that good looking, he picked her, he's 3 hours away, his family is horrible, he has commitment issues, the sex is bad, he listens to terrible music, he is a mean drunk, he cries more than any man should, and it just won't work. But for every reason that I hate him, I have five that I love him. I miss his arms around me. He makes me feel safe and loved. That's all anybody wants. I love him. I always will. No matter what he does to me. Who else he is with. What holiday he fucks up. I know exactly how he feels. Whether he wants me to know or not. I will always be proud of the person that he is. I will always be here for him because I know that no one else will be. I will always remind him that I care. I will always cry for what I can't have. And there is a good possibility that I will never move on. I know that I will never be the same, but a chance to start over would be nice. A new beginning. I have tried to tell myself that I don't need him. And I don't. I want him.

Work A Little Harder

Ok. Time for me to vent. I hate people that don't work hard. HATE. I'm not saying your job has to be physically hard, or even that you have to work all the time, just try hard at life. Fucking try! And not some half ass ed "I swear I tried my hardest." bullshit. I work my ass off. Everyday. I work 6 to 7 days a week, 70-80 hours a week. I'm not saying every other sucker in the work force needs to dedicate their lives to employment as I have. However, if your a greeter at Wal-Mart, I shouldn't have to wait 10 min for a god damn pink return sticker while you make your 5th fucking attempt at parking the fucking electric scooter. Seriously? I informed the woman at the service counter of the less that enthusiastic performance. Am I bitch? Yes. Do I care? No. Do I think that excuse of an employee should be sternly scolded for such behavior? Yes. Fucking try! If you can't accomplish being a greeter at Wal-Mart then you are pretty much fucked. My father works harder than anyone I know. Hands down. I would like to see someone else do what he does. Works 70 hours a week, runs a personal business, is an outstanding dedicated father that is at every sporting event, play, and art show, loyal husband, and manages to have hobbies for himself. Pretty much a rare species of man. (Side note: I'm pretty much fucked on ever finding a husband that will ever live up to the standards that my father has set. Dammit!) I received my endearing yet self destructive work ethics and habits from him. I don't set the bar high for other people. My expectations are realistic. Another example. The dumb mother fucker that answers the phones at my eye doctor. First of all he calls me "Amanda". My name is Andrea. I correct him. We proceed. He then asks me to confirm my medical information. He rattles off a birth date that is no where near correct. I tell him that's not correct. His reply "Really?" My reply "Well it won't be correct if you have Amanda typed in instead of Andrea." He was silent. I hear a few clicks of the keyboard. He then repeats my correct birthday. Is is seriously so hard to listen when I corrected you the first time? Wtf. I guess all my ranting is a mute point. As long as there is welfare, WI CC, Social Security, Medicare, or any other government department willing to pay for the shit other people need, there will be no need to actually excel at life. I'm not saying welfare is a bad thing. It is meant to help people out when they are down and out until they get back on their feet. It's the people that never even try to stand that piss me off. Why should I have to work my ass off and pay taxes so you can get a welfare check and buy a fat sack of weed instead of diapers for your 3 month old. (I have witnessed such an event. I was furious!) If I have to take a drug test to get a job, then I think you should have to take a drug test to have the privilege of welfare. One of my co-workers I have known for 5 years. She is a 23 year old mother of 2. Un-married. Her boyfriend is still around and supports their children. They both work their ass off to stay off of welfare. They want to be a successful family and support their children. She will wear the same bathing suit for 3 years so her girls can have new ones ever year. They save up for months so their girls will have a good Christmas and get the things that they never did. I'm proud of the people that they are. They are the kind of people that keep America going. These type of "Hard-Workin' Folk" are few and far between now. It makes you wonder how we are going to make it much longer. Social Security is running out. There aren't enough jobs for the people that are willing to work. The cost of living has sky rocketed. The recession is hitting home for millions of American families. We need help. And for the life of me I don't see anybody that is up for the job. I don't even know who to believe anymore. If our government worked half as hard on fixing our problems at home, instead of the worlds issues we might not be in this shit hole, and just maybe we would have our men home safe with us instead of sitting in the bomb fucked desert with a gun and no ammo. Snakes, scorpions, fleas, horrendous heat, no water, no protection, no guarantees, no relief. Is that the cost of our lives? I think it's too high. I have the answer to America's problems. Work harder. If every person would just step up and make that extra effort, spend that extra 5 min. Care. Dedicate themselves to something. Anything! We would all be better for it.

Simple Together

Ever find that perfect song? Every word you would say yourself. Every single feeling and emotions is exactly what you are feeling. The song is beautiful and heartbreaking. This is my song. I can't stop thinking about it. It runs through my head all day. The moment I heard it first I knew that it was going to stick to me. It makes me cry. It make me feel. It makes me love. It makes me sad. It makes me hate. It is a testimony to all musicians and how powerful words can be. I love this song...

Simple Together
-Alanis Morissette

you've been my golden best friend
now with post-demise at hand
I can't go to you for consolation
cause we're off limits during this transition
this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and i can't stop bumping into things
i thought we'd be simple together
i thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
i thought we'd be precious together
but i was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and then some
i remembered you the moment i met you
with you i knew god's face was handsome
with you i saw fun and expansion
this loss is numbing me
it pierces my chest
and i can't stop dropping everything

i thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
i thought we'd have children together
i thought we'd be family together
but i was sadly mistaken
if i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
if i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
if i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

i thought we'd be genius together
i thought we'd be healing together
i thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous togheter
but i was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
i thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but i was sadly mistaken

Catholics Beware...

Disclaimer: This blog contains explicit dialogue. It may not be suitable for young children, prudes, virgins, or members of the Catholic church.

Sex. I don't know about you, but I like it. A lot. It's interesting how it plays such a pivotal role in our relationships. Someone gets divorced and people remark, "Well at least they didn't have any children." Royal couples were frowned upon, even disowned for not consummating their marriages with children. Sex holds this odd fascination for most of the world. I mean in all seriousness, it is pretty fucking cool. It's satisfying, right, wrong, amazing, dirty, clean, appropriate, ravenous, wet, dry, loud, quiet, horrible, short, drawn out, and damn good. Sex can be so many things. The phrase "Sex like a man." has been thrown around more recently than not. What does it mean? Sex without emotions? Sex without the attachment? Maybe those are the things that make it so amazing for a woman. The deeper the connection with a person, the better the sex. Not always. Random hook ups can be hot as hell. But they aren't passionate. They aren't meaning full. Just hot sex. I want hot love. "Making love." An interesting phrase. Unlike the phrase "Fuck.", It implies that there is love between the two people. The term "fuck" implies something less human, more primal, less emotion, more act. Who's to say both people are in love. If someone loves me as much as I love them, laying next to them and feeling their heart beat is enough. Bad sex or not, love trumps all. And where the fuck did all this religious bullshit come into play? Seriously? "Marriage is between a man and a woman", "no sex before marriage", "sex is a sin" Again, Seriously? They are taking all the fun out of it. Next time I see a cow mount up I'm gonna pull over and scream "Your not married! Sinners!" out my fucking car window. All of God's creatures are equal in the eyes of God. Or so they say. It's the reason I can't smash a ladybug for the fuck of it. If we are all so equal then why do we have these fucked up rules about reproduction that no one else does? Oh yes, hello, AIDS? Poor African guy couldn't get his dick wet so he fucked a monkey. Society caused the biggest outbreak of transmital disease in the history of the world. It was wrong for him to do what his body was telling him was right with a woman due to societal norms, so he fucks an animal. Love it. Way to go Karma for fucking us all over on that one. On the bright side we never would have gotten to see all those funny Trojan Condom comercials... I guess I would like to know what is so wrong about it. The taboo of sex has created an entire industry. Porn is king. So is HIV. What are we doing wrong? Not wearing condoms? Having too much sex? Too many partners? "Teen pregnancy is this horrible thing." Babies are miracles no matter how they come to us. 100 years ago if a woman wasn't married with children by the time she was 18 she was a spinster. I realize times have changed. Then why can't our acceptance. Sex can be a beautiful thing. It's sposta be fun! All those fun positions and foreplay? Who decided this was bad? Ok. I don't wanna get a diseas as much as the next girl, however, birth control is $9.00 a month at Wal-Mart. Free at Planned Parenthood. They hand out condoms on college campuses. They are cheap! They sell them in vending machines at gas stations for christ sake! There is a vacine for HPV (which causes Cervical Cancer.) We now can tell you the 3 days everymonth that you are more likely to get knocked up. They made a comedy about accidental pregnancy for God's sake! If we would simply educate American's about sex, all of it, pregnancy, protections, disease, that's it's ok to like it, that it's only a sin if you believe it is, there is no "correct" age to start, it dosen't make you more or less of a man, and that it's part of life. All we are telling these kids is that sex is bad and don't do it. Show them how to put a condom on. Explain to them the signs of pregnancy. Make them comfortable enough to ask the questions they really want to know the answer to. Explain that sex is more than an act, it's a feeling, it's an emotion, it's a commitment. Sigh. I'm not sure that my opinon matters. I'm just sick of it being such a terrible thing. I'm not a slut for enjoying sex. Having children before you are married is fine, might be tough, but there are harder things in life. Like getting over the loss of a child. Blaming yourself. I don't think I would have been ready to deal with that at 16. I still wasn't ready at 18. I couldn't handle it today. That's what people don't realize. The set of risks that come with all this. How do you deal? How does anyone deal. I just don't want to see this get worse before it gets better.

FYI: Hell Just Froze Over

Well. I'm not sure I have anything to say. What?! Did hell just freeze over? Andrea is actually speechless? I think that I'm feeling too much and not saying enough. Yep that's it. It's all inside. Oh just wait. When it rains, it pours folks. Hell hath no furry like an emotional woman.

Told You So.

It's 12:30am and I'm sitting here awake. I'm freaking out. I'm not ready for this. I know that I need to put it back. Back the way we were. Happy people. Best friends. Not too involved. I think we can do it. Somehow it has become my responsibility. How is this all my fault? I was the one that hated him in the first place! I don't want him to come home. Does that make me a horrible person? I've been apart from him for 7 months and I could use another. What the hell Andrea?! I should be giddy. I should be bouncing off the walls that he is going to be home in 1 day. 24 fucking hours. I'm not ready for this. All the choices. All the feelings I have to keep inside. All the bullshit. All the pretending. All the crying. All the hurt. All the pain. All the drunken 2am phone calls. All the other women. The family drama. Being left behind again. That's what it comes down to. I'm not enough. He will always need someone else too. Too. In addition to. How much should I really be subject to seeing? I don't want to know. Period. I don't want to do this anymore. I miss my best friend. I miss laughing at his jokes. I miss it being easy. I wish I knew what he felt. I wish I could be enough. I wish.. I don't know what I wish. I feel sick. Someday, when it becomes painfully obvious that this isn't going to work, ever, if I haven't already come to this point, we are both going to find other people. What then? I've already briefly dealt with a man jealous of my male best friend. Women are worse! I can only imagine how much harder this is going to be apart, rather than together. But together doesn't work, so how can apart ever? God dammit. I'm so fucking over life. I hate all of this. I'm in no emotional state to be feeling anything. I need a glass of wine and my bed. I'm never going to sleep tonight. Fucking Christ. There must be an answer. I need to find it. Not necessarily the "answer" to this particular debacle, but the path. All of it. Where I am, what I need, what I want, who I'm meant to be with, what I'm meant to do, who cares about me, what I care about, what my life is meant to become. That answer is a little harder to come by. I used to think he was the only one that knew the answer, he just wanted me to find it first so he could say "I told ya so." (The asshole is sooo ridiculous good at saying that to me.) Fuck. Now I'm crying. I really miss him. Fuck.