Speak To Me

well i want you to notice
to notice when i'm not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound

i want to hold you protect you
from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you the way that a father should love his daughter
when i walked out this morning i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone

sweet zoe jane

"Zoe Jane"
-Staind

Run.....

I'm lost. I want so many things. I'm working so hard to make things right. I don't know what else to do or say, just keep going. I want to run. I just can't decide if I want to run towards it or away from it. Life just gets harder everyday. Not sure what else to do anymore. I.. I don't even know...

Eh...

I need to get out of here. I'm begining to feel like I'm in over my head. It's a constant struggle with me everyday to get out of bed and motivated to continue on this pointless path of bullshit that is my current state of life. I just want my bed and a book. Or like 2 weeks paid vacation to be a hermit in my little red house.

Isle of Man

It's over. I've finally lost all faith in men.

• My friend Kimberly's boyfriend Tim broke up with her because he couldn't get over his own past. He says that if he stays with her he is going to "Loose who he is" Eh em. I call bullshit. They have waited 6 years to be together (he was in the Marines) and she had a plane tickets and everything packed to move to Arizona from Ohio in 2 weeks for him. She was leaving her family behind to start a new life with him.




• My friend Lisa's fiance was fucking around on her. With one of my friends! WTF. And she has caught him numerous times mackin' on other women and even found messages on MySpace "Thanks for that kiss, I'll take another please" from some girl to John! She has called off the wedding and is leaving him. He doesn't even notice her anymore. She is a sex object. He plays fucking computer games all the time when he is home and degrades her sister who is going through a rough patch in her life.




• My friend Echo's boyfriend, Mike, told her that he doesn't care if she stays around. They have been together for 5 years. They live together and their lease is up in April. She is furniture to him. He won't go anywhere with her if their friends are going to be there. "Were not going to let our friends see us like this." Wtf.




• My ex-boyfriend Casey loves me so much that he wants to kill me. Lovely. I'm sorry I've wasted the last 3 years of my life being proud of you and being there for you when no one else in your life cared at all about you. I'm sorry I was willing to give it all up for you. I'm sorry I wanted a life with you and to be happy. I'm sorry that you can't let go of me to the point that you have to threaten my life when I don't pick up the phone.




• And Finally, Nick who is my best friend says to me "Why do you think we aren't together? I love you, but I would screw it up." I say "Yeah. You would." when I told him about all these shit hole men. I told him I may be shitty for a while and he is just going to have to remind me that he isn't one of them. He says to me, and I quote. "What ever you need to stay happy with the way things are baby." OMFG. I don't bitch about the status of our relationship because it does work for us. But he doesn't need to remind me that it isn't going to change anytime soon. Jesus Christ!

Crime of Passion

Is it possible that I’ve become one of them? One of the single women who’s lives revolve around men. All your dinner dates with your girlfriends involve talking about men, complaining about men, picking men up, looking for men, getting drunk in bars and going home with men. How did dick get so fucking important?! Is it possible that we are all just dating the same kind of man over and over again with out realizing it? Why is it the woman that always have to change her ways? He likes brunettes? One $8 bottle and we’ve got it! He likes your hair curly? Better stock up on hair gel and curl cream! He likes your ass in dark jeans? Better go grab a few pairs of dark slinky Silvers. He says your legs look sexy when you wear those black stilettos? Bring on the blisters! Really? Seriously? How sexy are blisters? I swear to god. How did the female perspective become 100% geared around the male perspective? I watch Sex and the City. I read Marie Claire. I buy heinously expensive sexy lingerie at Victoria Secret. I shave my legs. I curl my hair. I wear stilettos more than I go to church. I do my makeup. I wear expensive perfume. You know what? If I had my way on my down time I would be at home writing, or watching a movie, in my oldest sweats with my hair twisted on top of my head, with a cup of coffee, smelling like deodorant, in my slippers!!! Fuckin’ A! I had to change my cell number last week because an ex-boyfriend that I was still madly in love with, left me a threatening voice mail “If you don’t fucking pick up this phone I’m going to find you and slit your throat!” After 40 phone calls in an hour I shut my damn phone off. Ummm? Not ok. When I called my best friend Nick, he says “ I hope you know if he ever lays a hand on you he will be laying in a pool of his own blood and they will be hunting me down and carting me off to jail.” Comforting to know that my untimely death would be avenged. However, I highly doubt it will be necessary. If he can’t put his sorry ass in a car to come to my holiday dinner party, or to just come see me because he, I don’t know, misses me? Then I highly doubt he will be jumping in his Civic SI to be slitting my throat in my sleep. How did I love this man? I wish I knew. It may have been easier to let go. He used to question why I loved him. If I loved him. I used to get so frustrated with myself and him trying to explain it. I always used to come up with bullshit reasons like, “ I love your smile.” “I love the way you hold me.” Bla fucking Bla. I honestly think the real reason I loved him, was that he loved me. Loved me enough to threaten to slit my throat? Ultimate crime of passion I suppose. What irritates me the most about the whole thing is that it took him threatening my life to finally be done with him. Nick is so proud of me for changing my number. He said he never thought I would do it, that I would never be able to let go of Casey. But really? Is this how I wanted to move on? Hardly.