I had my sweater clogs on.

Why can't I sleep? Why do I always have to be thinking. Feeling. Worrying. Caring. Crying. Fuck. I hate this. All of it. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm loved. I'm discarded. I'm not good enough. I'm a bitch. I'm stupid. I'm all these things and feelings but somehow I don't know who I am anymore. Fuck. I define who I am by things that I do. Paint, bake, write, bitch. That isn't a person. It describes a character. I'm a shell of the old me. I can't even remember who the old me was. The best recollection of an amazing moment when I was truly happy and myself was over 2 years ago. I was in Streetsboro. I was wearing Kent State sweats. My hair hadn't been washed in over a day and was twisted up on top of my head. I had my sweater clogs on and the only jewelry I was wearing was my 3 stack ring that Case gave me. I was in Case's eclipse, we were on our way home from his dad's (which was an interesting trip in itself...) and Case held my hand in the car the entire hour car ride home. We randomly stopped at this car dealership that was closed. (This was before he hawked hunks of steel for huge amounts of money.) We walked around this lot for what seemed like forever. Looking at all these expensive pick-up trucks and SUV's that we could never afford. We got back into the car. He looked at me and said "Someday I'm going to give you the world. I love you. I want you. You mean more to me than I ever thought possible. I just wish I deserved you." That moment. That's it. He leaned over and kissed me and then we went home. Simple. I was young, beautiful and in love. I was completely me. The happiest I can ever remember being. Sounds crazy. But I would give anything to go back to that moment. To realize how happy I was in that moment. But life sucks that way. There is no going back. No way to fix it. I've tried. I've done everything and more. It's out of my control. And I know, move on, let it go, it wasn't meant to be, he is an asshole, he fucked you over a 100 times, he's not that good looking, he picked her, he's 3 hours away, his family is horrible, he has commitment issues, the sex is bad, he listens to terrible music, he is a mean drunk, he cries more than any man should, and it just won't work. But for every reason that I hate him, I have five that I love him. I miss his arms around me. He makes me feel safe and loved. That's all anybody wants. I love him. I always will. No matter what he does to me. Who else he is with. What holiday he fucks up. I know exactly how he feels. Whether he wants me to know or not. I will always be proud of the person that he is. I will always be here for him because I know that no one else will be. I will always remind him that I care. I will always cry for what I can't have. And there is a good possibility that I will never move on. I know that I will never be the same, but a chance to start over would be nice. A new beginning. I have tried to tell myself that I don't need him. And I don't. I want him.