That Girl

Oh to be on an even keel. I feel as though my emotions go up and down faster than the stock market. One minute I'm so excited about getting my house and working on it, the next I'm curled up in a pitiful ball contemplating how I became the "fall back girl" to all the men in my life. "All else fails I still have Andrea." How did I become that girl? Wtf. I blame myself. As my best friend Samantha has told me "You need to learn how to not be in love." It's sooo true. I will always love certain people in my life, there are other people that I have to care about, it's almost like I'm so invested in caring about these figures in my life that no matter what they do to me, I'm still around. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after agonizing year, I still love him. Say the word and I'm there. I would do anything for him. Several of "hims". Dammit. I hate caring so much. One minute I can't bear the thought of not being with Case for the rest of my life, the next I'm wondering about what could be with another huge figure in my life, the next I'm missing my best friend. I think that this has something to do with my depression. It gives me something to believe in. Not that love is something that beats all. I'm doubting what all these chick flick movies are about. Wow. I can't believe I just admitted to my depression. That's the first time I have honestly admitted it. Not that the panic attacks and manic ups and downs didn't give it away. I need to do something about it. I just keep putting it off, which clearly isn't helping the situation. I need to evaluate.