One of life's hardest lessons is making sure you are taken care of first. Friends, husbands, boyfriends, kids, families all begin to take up more energy than you have. I'm spent. Emotionally and physically I have nothing left. I'm currently trying to put my foot down. Setting standards for my life. If the people I work so hard to take care of can't step it up to that, then there is the fucking door.
I wish it was that simple. We learn to love these people. We have life experiences with these people and they are tied to our past. Keeping in touch with your past is so important to who you become. The person you always wanted to be. I want these people to understand what I want. You know what? I don't really want that much. Just for them to love and care about me like I love them. They don't. It's a crushing moment in your life when you look around and realize they don't love you. You make excuses for their behavior and keep going. Take an inventory of the "loving behavior" you are receiving.
I have been in the process of dealing with loosing a large part of my life for the last 3 years. He doesn't love me. He never did. After everything I have put into keeping our relationship afloat. I gave up. You know what? He didn't fight. He never would have. He hasn't loved me in a long time. I refused to see and he wouldn't hurt me by telling me so. (Wow. I've thought that, but in black and white it's so much harder to read. )
And the one person who deep down I have always been in love with? That I refused to admit? That I have somehow made exempt to all my rules? That I let talk me into anything? That I would do anything for? That I would spend the rest of my life with? That I can't imagine not having in my life? He loves another woman. Yep. Double hit. How the fuck did I pick such fucking losers to love?
There is this guy, Chris, who is making him move on me. He is sorta cute, funny, really sweet, no ex-wives, no kids, good job, car, has his own place, and he is the ever elusive "relationship guy". You know, the urban legend of the land of woman? The man that is actually looking for a relationship and someone to love? Yeaaah. You know what? I'm not that into him. What in the fuck. I guess he isn't an asshole. I date the same man over and over again. Different face and different name, same asshole mother fuckers. I get a "nice guy" the "relationship guy" and I'm scared shit less? I'm fucked up.
I have spent most of my life building these walls. Walls meant to keep people out from seeing the real me. It takes more than a few calls and drinks to get past this wall. How after so long, did I manage to let people that don't actually love me in? It doesn't make any sense. It's almost like, I loved them and that was enough.
I'm officially settling into the loneliness. I'm done. The next one to make over that wall has a long trip. I'm holding out for the man that loves me the way I deserve. The man that wants me to be happy. The man that works as hard on our relationship as I do. The man that makes me weak in the knees. The man that is meant for me. The man that thinks I'm worth all the trouble.
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