The Man Buffet

There people from all different walks of life in this world. Men however all fall into one of my categories. ( I have "sampled" men from all categories. I'll go vegetarian before going back for seconds on that fucking buffet.) I'm going to list. I enjoy organization. I don't get joy out of many things in life anymore, so deal. And of course, I will have witty, fun and uplifting stories of my terrors in dating to fit each category. Ha. Uplifting. What a fucking joke.


THE RELATIONSHIP GUY

• You know the type. The guy that is sooo into his girlfriend that even she thinks it's weird. Or the exact opposite. She is sooo into him, and they are perfect, and I induce vomiting at this point.

THE "I LOVE YOU", BUT NOT QUIET ENOUGH GUY

• The guy that you know really does love you. Justifications aside, you know that he loves you. But not quiet enough, he's almost there, but he can't let go of the fear that somewhere out there, there could be some other woman that he could love more. (AKA: She sucks more dick.)

THE "BUT I REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU" GUY

• You let the relationship sail along. No titles, no real commitment, you act like a couple, all of your separate and joint friends assume your a couple. You get to a point that your comfortable and you convince yourself that you don't need a title. And then BAM. He introduces you to his long lost college buddy as his "best friend". Or BAM. He fucks some chick with short thumbs and a stupid name. You freak out and tell him that he either wants you or he doesn't but you can't do this anymore. He says "Do what anymore?" like he had no idea there is a problem with the situation or his behavior. You yell some more. You then put your foot down and leave. As you turn to go, he seals his fate with the ever so carefully chosen words... "But I really care about you!" HAHAHAHA. Mother fucking asshole. Keep walkin honey.

THE BEST FRIEND

• This is a tricky one. I prefer to be friends with guys. Don't get me wrong, I love my gal pals. But guys are easy. I can live with guys. They don't do shit, so I can do it all my way. They don't give a rat's ass, so you can almost always get your way. They are fun to go drinking with (they buy you drinks without the expectations.) They are the protective "Big Brother" types that get all pissy when some guy fucks you over. "Who is he? I'll fucking kill him!" is kinda nice to hear every now and again. Then it happens. You see him with another girl at the bar, and oh what is this? Jealousy. Horrible green envy. Fuck. How did this happen. You fell in love. Or better yet, you two get drunk and have sloppy best friend sex. Well shit, what now. And there is that inevitable turning point in every opposite sex straight relationship. You can confess your love and find out he has had a thing for you all along. (Hell yeah!) Or you can loose your best friend. (Well fuck.) Or you can get a fuck buddy out of it and get hurt. Hmm. The odds blow eh?

THE JUDGMENTAL PRICK

• He hates tattoos and feels the need to sit and regale you with his jaded view on stereotypes and try to make you feel like a bad person. Try to control your hysterical anger, get up, turn slowly, and calmly walk away. OR HERE IS A GREAT ONE! "She is really sexy, but she could loose some weight." (I had a guy say this about me last weekend.) This guy I give you free reign. Sock that two bit piece of shit sexist asshole pig mother fucker in his imaginary balls. Hard. Again. And then spit on his car. Or smash something on his car. Or carve "The Dickless Wonder" on his hood. Eh em. I would never do anything like this. (In case a cop would approach you in the next 90 days or so.)

THE DIRTY CHEATING BASTARD

• Nuf said. But I will say more. Once a cheater always a cheater. Unless you are madly in love with that cheater. And you think he has really changed. No regrets babe. Do what you have to, but always remember that trust is the number one foundation of a functioning relationship.

THE MARRIED GUY

• This seems to be my specialty as of late. He is married. Game over. Small hair flip, sexy wink, sultry walk away, all acceptable, but never forget. He is someone else's. FOREVER. Or until someone lawyers up.

THE FRIENDS BOYFRIEND BUT IS A PIECE OF SHIT GUY

• We have all had it happen. You have a girlfriend who is a friend but not a best friend. You cross paths occasionaly for parties, birthdays, holidays, whatever, you like her boyfriend, a little too much, and he likes to drink and grab your ass a little too much. Wow. Done.

THE MAGICIAN

• The guy you start things with. You talk. You text. You go out a couple of times. A few cute nights in. Basically long enough for him to get your Tupperware and your House Season 1. Then you never hear from him ever again. Ever. Ever. He's magic. He has no fucking soul. Show up at his door at 3am with your friend that is a cop (conveniently in his uniform) and get your shit back. Your turn to disappear. Fuck this one. Worthless and spineless.

THE EH GUY

• He's cute. Your fucking hot. You kinda like each other. You sorta get along. You have a few things in common. The sex is decent. His family seems ok. Your family tollerats him. You look kinda cute together. You don't hate spending time with him. He seems sorta into you. It's better than being alone right? WRONG. Love em or leave em sweet thang.

THE BLIND DATE

• Don't do this. You have to be on a whole new level of desperation. You my foxy friend will never be at that level. Move on. Bad idea zone right here. Read on. I'm done here.

THE BAR GUY

• Ah the one night stand. Check for a wedding ring. Go to his house. Use a condom. Don't stay the night. Don't leave anything behind. (THIS INCLUDES YOUR NUMBER!!!!) What? A girl has needs!

THE "I JUST NEED SPACE" GUY

• I don't feel as though I need to expand much here. We all know who this guy is. You have great sex but the realtionship is basically nothing special. He takes "some time away" but calls you for booty games. Don't do this. Your giving him too much power. You want hot sex? Have hot hate sex with a random drunk guy from the bar who is fucking hot. (See above instructions for this act.)

THE IMAGINARY GUY

• The one we are all looking for. The one that really doesn't exist because at some point in his life he has been sucked into that vat of loosers that I have just covered.

Now I understand that my witty yet directly accurate portrail of the dating scene as it stands today should put me at better odds when I go out there. Right? I mean in theory? Yeah not so much. I just date until they fit a catogory and then walk my fine ass away. Unless I fall in love or something. I fucking hate when that happens. Well Fuck. Have you been to the buffet? Leave comments!