Told You So.

It's 12:30am and I'm sitting here awake. I'm freaking out. I'm not ready for this. I know that I need to put it back. Back the way we were. Happy people. Best friends. Not too involved. I think we can do it. Somehow it has become my responsibility. How is this all my fault? I was the one that hated him in the first place! I don't want him to come home. Does that make me a horrible person? I've been apart from him for 7 months and I could use another. What the hell Andrea?! I should be giddy. I should be bouncing off the walls that he is going to be home in 1 day. 24 fucking hours. I'm not ready for this. All the choices. All the feelings I have to keep inside. All the bullshit. All the pretending. All the crying. All the hurt. All the pain. All the drunken 2am phone calls. All the other women. The family drama. Being left behind again. That's what it comes down to. I'm not enough. He will always need someone else too. Too. In addition to. How much should I really be subject to seeing? I don't want to know. Period. I don't want to do this anymore. I miss my best friend. I miss laughing at his jokes. I miss it being easy. I wish I knew what he felt. I wish I could be enough. I wish.. I don't know what I wish. I feel sick. Someday, when it becomes painfully obvious that this isn't going to work, ever, if I haven't already come to this point, we are both going to find other people. What then? I've already briefly dealt with a man jealous of my male best friend. Women are worse! I can only imagine how much harder this is going to be apart, rather than together. But together doesn't work, so how can apart ever? God dammit. I'm so fucking over life. I hate all of this. I'm in no emotional state to be feeling anything. I need a glass of wine and my bed. I'm never going to sleep tonight. Fucking Christ. There must be an answer. I need to find it. Not necessarily the "answer" to this particular debacle, but the path. All of it. Where I am, what I need, what I want, who I'm meant to be with, what I'm meant to do, who cares about me, what I care about, what my life is meant to become. That answer is a little harder to come by. I used to think he was the only one that knew the answer, he just wanted me to find it first so he could say "I told ya so." (The asshole is sooo ridiculous good at saying that to me.) Fuck. Now I'm crying. I really miss him. Fuck.