Faith

When did I become such a wuss? A serious push over. I used to be queen bitch. You didn't fuck with me without consequences. Now I'm all "It's ok, I understand, I just want you to be happy." Bla Fucking Bla! My dad and Nick both said I have gone soft. I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. Too much heartache and let down has broken me. How do I keep up with all the confidence, goals, positive attitude, moxy if life just keeps shitting on me? I'm still me, just a much more sullen version. I listen to Five for Fighting when I used to listen to Bon Jovi, I watch Pride and Prejudice when I used to watch Goodfellas, I cry when I used to laugh, I sleep when I used to run, I work when I used to play. Is this growing up? Fuck that. I hate my life right now. I just want some happiness. I can't for the life of me understand why that is so much to ask for. I prayed a few days ago. And every day since. If you know me at all, then you know, I do not pray. Ever. Not since I was 12 years old. That's how desperate I am. I have no control. I have never even taken a drug that made me feel this out of control. Nowhere else to turn. Nothing left to do but fall to the ground and pray. I believe in God, in a matter of speaking. Maybe this is his way of bringing me back. I drifted so far away from him that he had no choice but to wreck my life until there was no where left for me to turn but to him. (I would like to insert here: When the fuck did I get so smart about philosophy? Samantha has taught me well.) I continue to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I dropped out of college, got fired, lost my best friend, made some bad choices, was broke, couldn't go to culinary school in Chicago, couldn't move to South Carolina, couldn't be happy, for a reason. A reason unforeseen to myself. I had a small amount of faith that God knew what the fuck he was doing. Until he took so much that I had nothing left. That is honestly how I feel. God should be a giver, not a taker. But whatever shred of faith I had left was all that I had. I kept moving on. Until I hit this giant brick wall outside my front door. A wall that threw me to the ground faster than I could blink. Is everything leading to this? Every mistake, every letdown, every heartbreak, every miserable moment because something better was coming? I am willing to accept that all of that pain was worth happiness. I want this. I want my life back. Then to tease me with it like this? I'm not strong enough for another let down. Period. I won't survive it. I can't. There is literally nothing of me left. I can't even write another sentence. Too much pain.