The Words Will Come

I have calmed down. I need to do something for myself. Make a change. Be the bigger person. I'm done. Officially and Permanently. Maybe I needed to put everything I had into it one last time. I needed to see that even when I'm all in, he still can't do it. Could he ever? He will come back to me. He always does. This time I won't be waiting. I have said that before, but this time I'm going to actually do it. I don't care how much I love him. Maybe that is the problem. I love him too much. Maybe I will never know. Life isn't meant to be perfect. Shit happens. Bad shit. Maybe all this time I have been comparing every person to him because I love him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone else. Maybe I have just been looking for the wrong thing. Maybe it's not all about the torrid passionate romance. (Don't get me wrong, hot sex is great.) Just maybe it's about finding someone that gets you. That you can spend the rest of your life with content. A best friend. To be happy all the times between sex. (Crazy! I know!: Insert sarcastic tone here) Someone who loves you enough to take care of you. To want you to be happy. Maybe it's not all about your "soul mate". I read this book about the Yogi religion in India. They believe that your soul mate isn't who you are meant to spend your life with. It is someone that teaches you something about yourself and your life that no one else could. Then when it's the hardest point to let go, they leave you. Maybe that's the way it should be. If you spend your entire life obliviously happy then how will you ever know the beauty of triumph. Of overcoming the hard parts in life and relationships. Another lesson in life. Loosing a loved one. They accept that the one you are most in love with isn't the right one. Even Romeo and Juliet got screwed. Life blows. But I suppose it gets better. (Bla Bla, it will all work out, I promise, Blabity blue, I know.) I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm conflicted. I just want someone to help me understand. Maybe no one can. It's possible that I'm the only one that can get myself through this. He needed me to get "through" it. Fuck that. I need me. (And maybe my best friends. And a bottle of wine.)